Hey guys. I know I keep posting in this group lately, but the struggle I'm going through is consuming my life right now, and I really need advice.

I'm concerned I have a full-blown eating disorder at this point, or that I'm at least on the way to one. When I started losing weight I switched to eating four or five small meals a day. While I probably wasn't eating quite enough calories I wasn't trying to restrict in an unhealthy way. Then my eating schedule got thrown off, where I went back to eating two larger meals with a snack in a day because I was with my boyfriend half the week and that's how he eats. I didn't like this. On top of that, everyone started commenting on my weight (sometimes even on what I was eating as I ate) and giving me advice. That made everything worse. I began to become self-conscious.

If you've read my other posts you know I started purging. The first time I tried to purge was only a couple of weeks into my weight loss, but it didn't become a habit (and I didn't become "successful" at it) until about a month or so in. I liked purging because I could eat "normally" and get rid of it later. My weight stopped going down and I started purging even more. However my group therapist keeps getting on my case each week when I turn my diary card in. Finally one day all the other group members chimed in during my check-in, saying I should try Weight Watchers, or go to Overeaters Anonymous (I'm not even overeating. I'm purging after eating average servings of food.). I was so angry I left group.

After that I realized if I kept purging everyone was just going to keep on my case. More than that, I realized I am terrified of eating. I get anxious if I eat anything more than a vegetable or a small serving of carbs. I suffer through anxiety attacks at meals with other people. I force myself to eat normally with them so they won't know anything is wrong. But because I can't purge anymore without judgment I started restricting.

I feel so scared and alone. No one other than my group knows how bad it is, and they don't even know the full truth. I'm just making it look like I'm purging less; I'm not telling them I'm now restricting.

Do I have an eating disorder? I know I can't diagnose on the internet but I can't ask anyone else. I feel like I can't because it's only been a few months and I haven't had these problems since high school. I also feel like eating disorders are for "normal" sized or "skinny" people, not girls as big as me. I'm also ashamed because my sister is a recovering anorexic. I feel like I can't be the one in the family with an eating disorder because that's her issue. I feel like a copy-cat.

But the past that makes me worse is the compulsive aspect to my behaviors (although restricting is of course more calculated) and the anxiety about eating. I had pizza the other day and I cried afterwards. My SH urges are higher than they've been in months. This isn't normal, and I don't know what to do. I'm not ready to give up the behaviors so I feel like I can't tell anyone.