[Lilyofthewest]

I love and hate my inability to reach out. On one hand, it saves me from burdening my friends with my shit. On the other, on a day like today when I'm too obviously down to avoid having to talk about how I feel, it's a pain in the fucking arse.

Apparently my friends love me. Well I don't believe in love, it doesn't fucking exist as far as I'm concerned because if love was real I'd have seen fucking proof of it by now. Same reason I don't believe in God, God has never proven himself to exist to me so why the fuck should I presume he's real? Love is a fantasy as far as I'm concerned, I'm eighteen years of age and I haven't seen love yet so it almost certainly isn't a real thing. It's something people choose to believe in so it distracts them from all the other shit going on.

I hate the way everybody assumes that shit gets better. Stop living in fucking cloud cuckoo land and take a long, hard look around you for crying out loud. What's the point in staying alive? Why would I want to grow up and become another clueless cunt working in their dead end job and believing in shit like love and God to distract them from the fucking shitty state of the nation they're living in and the fucking shitty people who fuck each other over? That's all there fucking is to life, none of your shitty dreams and goals ever happen, you end up below everyone else and you're only equals when you're all fucking dead.

Everything would be fucking easier if I just died. To tell the truth I don't even care if it would fucking break the people I leave behind because I'll be fucking dead and I won't even know what's going on for those who are alive and besides if people are that fucking attached to an absolutely worthless individual like me, well, maybe me fucking dying will make them rethink their own lives because it's clearly fucking needed. It may sound selfish but it's the brutal fucking truth and besides it's not like anybody needs me alive or even wants me alive anyway and I don't fucking want to be here anymore so I might as well go.

(edited because I'm not fucking finished yet)
She's online on Facebook now. Her name with the green light next to it is fucking staring me in the face and I know I should message her but I can't bring myself to. I told her everything, everything about my past that I'd never told anyone before and even though she wanted me to tell her I feel really fucking guilty. I'm an absolute mess. Nothing seems to help.