[mindflower]

literally i can't take it anymore. literally i just can't. i hate myself so much for putting myself through this but i probably deserve it in the long run. i am throwing myself into a future that i can't do because i'm so stressed and lost and useless. i'm not going to get into college, hell i can't even get a job without fucking up trust. i want so badly to end my friendship with matthew and with sarah and with fucking everyone but at the same time i feel a love or a lust or a dependence on all of them and i am constantly choking on their and on my own negative emotions when around them and they all hate me, let's be honest, no one actually likes me so i'd probably be doing them a favor if i left. and my parents, god they don't give a shit! i have nothing to lose but my life now, and they can't even notice that i'm not sleeping or eating and i'm fucking falling apart? what kind of parenting is that. and me. just me. i'm fat, depressing, disgusting, worthless, pathetic, annoying, and a complete and utter failure. i am still struggling over an ex who fucking abused me and am still haunted by eighth grade and fuck i can't even kill myself right. i want to cut myself but i can't get myself to just do it. and i can't just take the drugs because i'm just an idiot. and no one gives a shit about me. not on teenhelp, not in school, not at home, i surely don't give one about myself so. let's just all hope i'm in some accident tomorrow, fatal, just.. gone. because i'm never going to get over the pain and i'm never going to sleep well or do good or succeed at anything important to me. i'm just a gross insecure disappointment.