[Starlett]

Her 28th Birthday would have been a couple of weeks ago.

I've always been of the opinion that I have a good hold an all things related to death and grieving. I was barely 10 when my Dad died, I watched my uncle bury his newborn baby when I was 13 or 14, my grandparents both died reasonably suddenly when I was in my late teens/early twenties. Of course some (or most) of these were devastating to me, but the phone call I received in August 2013 will stick in my mind forever. It was a call that would change everything my friends knew. One of the girls had died. Just like that, here one moment and gone the next. Aged 26. I didn't think death could shock me, stop me and make me feel unable to function. I thought I knew death. Her death changed all of this. The unanswered questions, the thoughts, the regrets... They will never go and sometimes it just hits me so hard in the stomach I can't breathe. It's not even two years and sometimes it feels like it was just two days ago. Then I hear all old pictures from bebo are available and I download them and realise she's in pretty much every picture with me. My best friend back then, the girl I could talk to about everything, the person I helped, who helped me - unhealthy as some of it was - we were there for each other. Things happened, we grew up, we slightly drifted but she was still always there for me, always had a smile and a giggle, always a true heart of gold.

When is this going to stop hitting me like a ton of bricks?

When I am going to let go of all the guilt I have?