[lostintheclouds]

I'm not really sure what this site is, honestly. I googled "teenager depression help" and quickly made an account on here because I really need some advice right now and have no idea where to turn😬

I'm a 16-year-old girl with a younger brother and a mum and dad. We're basically a typical family that watches their money, like every other working class family, but we always have food on the table. Both my parents work with their self-employed businesses, with my mum's whole business operating from home. However, I hardly ever see her during the week, which (as I'll let you know later) isn't bothering me as much as it did when I was younger.

Anyway, I haven't got the best mental health and it's taken me at least 5 years of issues to admit that. I get good grades at school. I'm in New Zealand so we have Achieved, Merit and Exelence grades and endorsements for the whole year and, last year I got my Merit endorsement and was only a bit away from Exelence. I've never failed an exam, woohoo😂 But that's because I work so freaking hard. I study like every test will decide my whole future and that's something I'm very proud of.

The main reason I work so hard is because I have something to prove. When I was about 5, my mum took me to a "mental development unit" for kids. Obviously, it wasn't called that and, at the time, I didn't know that was what it was... However, I knew very well that going there meant I was a kid with a mental problem. As a kid, my mother would of been through hell- according to how she described it. I was loud, dramatic and full of energy. I was basically your average bubbly kid. I would never hit anyone, swear at anyone or do anything a kid with "attitude problems" would do though. Also, I loved animals (especially dogs) more than anything, I just have to add that😊

My mum self-diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome. It was never confirmed or looked at by any doctor but my mum was convinced. I can still remember loving going to that children's mental place though since all the kids there were lovely. However, they would snap and begin to scream or hit people which was something I never did as a kid so I felt misunderstood and misdiagnosed and it didn't take long for the workers there to notice that there really was no need at all for me to be there and that I was becoming uncomfortable. My mum wouldn't listen to any of that though. She constantly reminded me everyday that I had Asperger's syndrome, which I didn't even understand but I guess it sounded serious and like I was 'crazy'.

I've always struggled to love and accept my mum. She goes through periods of regularly abusing me, even now, if we get into an argument. I have never once hit her because I'm far too afraid and I'm not a violent person. Fast forward to now and the emotional abuse is much worse than any physical abuse. She calls me the b word, c word (trying to keep this appropriate) says that I'm ugly inside and out, disgusting, ect ect. But worst of all, for me at least, is that she constantly says she hates me. I can remember the first time she said this (I was in my first year of intermediate) and I came to school crying and refused to tell the teachers anything. But now it's a daily thing. Of course she doesn't hate me though. She's so thoughtful in the way she buys me food, drives me to school if there's a storm and makes me dinner, ect.

But I'd rather be starving and never get a ride to school in exchange for her caring for me emotionally- in a non-superficial way. Or for her loving me. I know she loves me as a daughter unconditionally but I want her to accept me and love my personality. But I shouldn't expect that from her because I am completely unable to give that to her. I haven't loved my mum for a good 4 years. I am just incapable of loving someone who has hurt and misguided me so many times. I do hate her. Which is absolutely horrible and immature, I know. But even though she is the one who gave birth to me and she cares for me, I just can't not hate her for what she has done.

Now I'm 16 with depression and anxiety. I love my little brother more than life itself. I would jump in front of a bullet for him in a heartbeat. He's so mature and insightful and he is the best problem solver you'll ever meet. And he's only 13. We fight but I have never said to him that I hate him and he's never said that to me because he is my best friend and he knows it. We haven't fought recently though. I love my dad unconditionally as well. While my mum is explosive, arrogant and a bit crazy, my dad is calm, collected, watchful and practical. They're complete opposites. And I clash with my mum because I'm more similar to her.

I'm not as explosive though. However, I am obsessive, a perfectionist, a worrier, emotional, unstable and not very strong. My life is a mess, let's be honest. I'm a mess. No wonder I'm depressed. I just got moved from my room into my parents room and they've moved into my room. My room was so separate from everyone's which is why they want it because they say they need to be away from me and my brother. They love my brother though and he is rightfully their favourite child✌🏼️ I struggled with the whole 'I'm not the favourite child' thing when I was younger. They finally admitted that the whole 'No, we love you both equally' thing was bs. Now that I'm 16, my parents have openly told me that they prefer my bother over me. That's the least of my worries though. I don't really care, of course he's their favourite child, he's so lovely and I'm a lot more shaken and unstable.

So, now that my room is gone it's as though the only thing holding me together now is gone. I was so separated from the family and I liked that. I could mediate and I went almost a whole week recently (while in that room) without sducidal thoughts or signs of depression. Without my permission, though, this morning they began to swap our rooms around. So, I don't know what to do. We just went on holiday which was consistent fighting between me and my mum and it was one of the most painful weeks of my life. My room was my birthday present two years ago and I was so thankful for it and always kept it clean (as a perfectionist and a clean freak). Any comments on this or advice? How do I handle my depression? I just can't get over my past and my mums abuse and need some internet help😅 Thankyou for reading this whole freaking novel, I just needed to vent everything.