[Lilyofthewest]

So, I'm an eighteen year old transgender female, pre-everything. I'm out to my closest friends, who are very accepting but I feel terrible for accepting their help, I'll get to that later on. However, I'm really struggling with my parents, who I'm not out to yet. The very thought of coming out to them at any stage scares me and I don't know how I'd react.

To tell the truth, they're not in any shape or form intolerant in general. I mean, they're socially liberal-ish, secular, very much "to each their own" sort of people. Plus, my uncle is openly bisexual and none of my family have any problem with it. I just think that me being a girl isn't what my parents would want for me. It's within reason, seeing as the world is quite a hostile place for transgender people, but I'll be miserable if I have to live as male forever. I know; I still live as male most of the time and I'm miserable.

I only really came to terms with being trans around a month and a half ago. I'd known it all along deep down, but I blocked those feelings of femininity out. I guess I was ashamed of who I was. Since then, I've expressed my true gender around my friends a few times, by wearing makeup and certain accessories. That was going fine until my mother went through my bag and found my makeup. She got really angry that I was wearing it without her knowing. She also pointed out that I hadn't really expressed any interest in girly stuff until now. That's not really true as I sort of hid it from my parents out of shame all along. Still, it sort of put me off wanting to come out to them, which really sucks as I can't go anywhere with transitioning until they know about it.

Then there's the fact that I feel like I'm burdening my friends, even if they want to help me. After that argument with my mother, three of my friends had to calm me down. I relapsed (cutting) after it and one of my friends (who knows I cut) looked very upset when I told her that and I can't help but feel as if I'm hurting them. I was suicidal and the only thing that really kept me from doing it was that I didn't want to hurt them any more than I have to by existing.

This is probably going to seem more like an incoherent rant than an actual request for advice, but what I really need is reassurance. Right now I'm wondering if I should just give up on transitioning and live as a male, as if it would be the lesser of two evils. But, at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be happy as a male. Does it get any easier? Ever? I'd also love to hear from anyone who has come out to their family and how they did it. Thanks in advance and I'm very grateful for anyone who read all of this.