[LANIKA]

Hi, alright so -- I made this account several years ago specifically to discuss an issue I was having. I really didn't post much after, and eventually stopped logging on all together. It was another problem that brought me here again, initially, but I went through my posts to reminisce and am beginning to understand that I ignored valuable advice given to me and never actually fixed the problem I was dealing with then.

Alright, so . . . Last month, on memorial day, my boyfriend and I had vaginal intercourse for the first time. We had been engaging in manual and oral sex before that, so it wasn't really a very big landmark in our relationship; except that, I'm now eight days late for my period.

At the time it seemed so unlikely that there was any chance at all I could get knocked up; See, my boyfriend? He's kind of sexually. . . Impaired, I would say. Well, that's a bit unfair. Alright, well; he can't ejaculate during sex of any kind other than masturbation with stimulating videos. So I thought we would be fine. I know that pre-cum can carry sperm, but it's usually really rare that it does. And to add to that, we used a condom.

It really does seem like it's all in my head, just by reading that, but, I'm not so sure. . . See. It turns out I was likely to be ovulating on the day we first did it. Added to that, the condom kept slipping - not completely off, but, it slipped quite a bit a few times. And after taking the condom off it was evident that there was pre-cum left behind. I still didn't think much of it, until a few days ago when I noticed my period was late. I mean, it's always a little irregular, but it's never off by more than two or three days. Not always spot on but . . . Right around that.

Now . . . I'm freaking out right now. I can't really say that I would make a good mother; and neither would he as a father. I've told him about it and asked him if he would help me out if I decided to keep it, he said he would "try." He didn't sound very convincing, though. That's fine. I don't plan on keeping it, if I do have to carry it then I will give it up to adoption. However I would really prefer not to have that happen; an abortion would be the best option for me. I have an eating disorder, and pregnancy messes with the heads of those sufferers. My mental health would be even worse than it is now. And I'm absolutely terrified of telling my family. But on the flip side, neither of us could afford an abortion. And even if he could, I doubt he'd help me; he wouldn't even help me buy a pregnancy test. He wouldn't even look at them with me. He wouldn't even walk to planned parenthood to get a free one done for me.

I just don't know what to do. Honestly, the later it gets the more worried I get and the less doubt I have. Can somebody tell me of any other early signs of pregnancy, other than the whole missed period thing? Or any other advice, really.

On June 19, 2012 I made the above post -- I was fifteen and quite scared. I had was almost certain that I was pregnant and despite the calm demeanor reflected in those written words, I was panicking and had cried myself to sleep the night before. I placed a lot of blame on my boyfriend in that post ( and yes, I was a bit of a cunt to belittle his lack of ejaculation ). In reflection, I shouldn't have been having sex if I wasn't comfortable enough to look at/buy pregnancy tests on my own, etc. I like to think that I've grown up quite a bit since then and consider myself a lot more sexually independent. I was not ready to handle a potential pregnancy, but I am now and am more than capable of buying that particular test on my own - Even more so, I understand that pregnancy really isn't the only thing to worry about. I practice safe, consensual, sex and think about not only my best interests but the best interests of my partners. I do believe that we BOTH could have acted a lot more responsible in that situation. I learned from that experience.

I've been in an on and off relationship with the person described above since. We broke up just a month or so after the pregnancy scare, though remained close friends/friends with benefits, and have become "official" a few times since. All together, we've probably only dated for an accumulated six months, but even when unofficial/"just friends" there is emotional intimacy between us. I've been in other serious relationships with women while not together with him but the link I share with him has never faded completely. I consider myself a lesbian and struggle with differentiating whether or not I love him or think of him as a very good friend - In the end, I don't feel that it matters very much, as we do both care very intensely about each other and work well as a couple. He is sympathetic towards my struggle with sexual orientation and understands that the way we feel might be slightly different - He is nothing but supportive and means the world to me. As we stand now, I occasionally picture a future with him ( though I know it is premature to do so ).

There is something incredibly wrong with the dynamics of our relationship, however.

While I moved forward and learned from the scare we had, he didn't, and he is/can be incredibly sexually irresponsible that it frustrates and scares me. We've been dating for a few months again now, and have only had PIV sex once. Mutual/oral has occurred more often. The issue is this: He will continuously ask me to have PIV sex without a condom. He will not wear condoms that are the right size for him. He will not wash his hands before ATTEMPTING to manually simulate me ( I do stop him, but it feels like negligence on his part regardless ). He knows that none of these things are things which I'm comfortable with.

It was pointed out to me in my initial "scare post" that the talk I should be having with him is not just one about the ( potential ) pregnancy, but about how we interact as sexual beings. I neglected this suggestion heavily at the time because I was, of course, 15 and more worried about having a baby. It's been three years. I don't know if I should still be with him. It's been keeping me up at night - His whispered pleads of going "raw" and his insinuation that a magnum will fit him. I can't breathe. And I don't know what to do.

He isn't getting it, I don't think, how these things are quite risky - I don't know if it's worth trying to explain it to him, or even how to. I don't know if this is a relationship that I should be in.