[Lemoncakes]

I am finally starting to realise how much of an emotional train wreck my life has been and now it is seriously starting to get to me. I have had counselling but I did not like it one bit. I am almost 20.

I really just want to be happy and have a happy life now but since childhood I have been through so much emotional stress and I just dont know what to do anymore, I can't cope. I have been abused (Physically and mentally by parents) I was hit, shouted at, called names, forced, lonely. I have been raped, I have been seriously bullied, Mocked, Family go to prison which ended up all over the media (Papers web etc.) This caused class mates to make fun of me and say things like 'Did you know your dad did this?' In front of the whole class. Family threatening to disown me. I was lonely, started self harming.

In 2013 I found a man who I wanted to be with, he loves me and shows me so much, Best relationship I have ever had, we are close and true partners however, this is now causing me anxiety too that I feel like I can't take it. I found out he was masturbating over Indian girls and their feet (I am a pale white girl) As you can probably imagine from my past this makes me feel extremely self conscious and inadequate. He promised to stop but I just can't stop thinking about it. He did it so much but only recently before I confronted him. I feel like I'm not the right girl for him now, I don't give him enough. He was bringing me out of this mess.. but now I don't know.

Help me.