[Always *]

I have ADHD. I have been depressed in the past. I have problems with anxiety. I've wanted to hurt myself before. I feel worthless and stupid. Lately I've been so anxious. It merged into depression. I'm so worried about failing all the time. I feel this heaviness in my chest. I can't deal with my school work because it makes me feel worse. If I didn't feel so awful I could get more done. It's going to affect my grades because the only coping mechanism I have is to tell myself I don't care about my grades. It's the only way to be ok with what is happening while I feel incredibly unhappy with everything. If it weren't for school, I would feel much better. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have a bright future. I have a car, a good home, and I love reading and crocheting. There are a lot of things that make me happy. But the nature and of school and the condition of my current program make me feel so anxious and depressed. I'm afraid I will want to hurt myself again. My boyfriend doesn't know how severe it gets. I can tell him anything but I'm so ashamed of the fact that my anxiety/depression gets so bad I would want to hurt myself. I don't even know if my problem is the anxiety of the depression. The lines get blurred. I know the anxiety is a constant. Even at the best of times I worry endlessly.

I am talking to a counsellor. I have my second appointment soon. So inn that regard, I'm taken care of, but I'm just afraid that when I "grow up" and get a job that my job will just become the new major cause of my anxiety. I just want t be happy. I want to be able to have a job/education that doesn't destroy me. I know life isn't perfect but school shouldn't literally destroy my mental health.