[bitesize]

It's 3.30am, I've had half a bottle of wine and 3 hours sleep since Friday, and I've obviously been of slightly sounder mind and body, but I had to say this.

I miss you. I miss you so much it consumes me. I just came home from the party and looked in my wardrobe for your hoodie which I haven't quite given back yet, accidentally-on-purpose. I've had it just over a year but I can still pretend it smells like you.

I didn't want, particularly, to talk to anyone else there tonight. They could have faded away, melted into dust, and I would barely have noticed, because I wanted to spend my night talking to you. And I know you wanted to talk to me too. How we spent so long at the kitchen coutner and another hour on the couch talking so much that we were running out of things to say, 'I got this cut on my finger,' 'I listened to this song,' who CARES, I just wanted to keep you there beside me with your beautiful smile and your YOUness that I miss, God, miss so much. And I know you care about me still too, even if we know that breaking up last year was the right decision, and not being able to kiss you or touch you or tell you how wonderful you are is achingly sore.

I've almost forgotten what it feels like to be wrapped up in bed with you, even though it happened so many times over a span of four years. I've gone to sleep with fifteen people since you. Fifteen. But that doesn't matter, it doesn't matter that I had sex with someone else twenty four hours ago because I needed a ride, doesn't matter that a little part of my heart is sore for a boy in Chicago who never messaged me today. Other people don't matter. Other people aren't you. No one ever will be. No one will ever be you for me the way are, and Christ I miss you so much. It's not a sharp ache like the American ache, it's a dull, five-years-deep pain that's always there. I always miss you.

I can't believe a year ago today was possibly the nicest Day we've ever had, and we were so close and so happy, and we had no idea that ten days later we would be sitting beside each other crying our eyes out with love for each other and realising that it was time for our relationship to end.

I love you, I love you. I'll never not love you.