[Not_here]

*The title is not read in a cheerful tone*

Just to be clear, I still have about 1.5-2 years left depending how many classes I take. I'm not sure why but whenever I take 15 credits as opposed to 12 I have a greater tendency and intensity of depression, anxiety, mood swings, stress, fatigue etc you get the point.

However I'm feeling pressure to graduate "on time" and what it would mean for financial aid if I stayed an extra semester.

The main thing stressing me out is the workload, the impersonal and the grading system and the fact that grades seem to be a huge deal if you want yo get into a graduate school which I don't know yet but keeping my options opened.

I also want to feel a little more free during the week. Between going to class and studying and honeowork I have very little time to do anything else. Plus I took on a work study job. I have a lot of responsibilities in my life and overall I'm moving from the notion that school is everything to school is *one* part of the whole.
I like to learn. I like reading but now that everything is becoming electronic reading I am in constant need of the internet and sometimes I just don't have access to it or don't want to use it for my own personal reasons which should count as something.
I realized I would do much better without grades. I would also do better with a professional who can be my "mentor" similar to a high school science program I was accepted to and worked closely with a professor in a college lab.

It came to a point where I might break this semester because I don't feel up for it. It is a real drag and let me tell you from now. The solution will not be to motivate myself or create a some sxhedule but to take a gap year off. Because I'm not motivated for a reason. To me it is a healthy reaction. If I forced myself to get through the next two years and didn't think twice I would be concerned because it means I don't have emotional responses to upsetting things. I'm simply tired of being forced or having obligationsto define my llife on other external things.


Maybe I'll get through this semester but I sense something bad is going to happen


My major is great btw...i love my major. Im just really sick of the school setting the way it is now.

I also don't want to ruin my option for graduate school.


But I also don't know whether I want to take a gap year off because I tend to become a hermit during holidays. My dad isn't as keen to lend me a mtrocsrd. I'm overall looked upon as though I have free time for everyone to use up.
If I do tale a gap year I want to do the things I want to do liketravel, volunteer, work, gget drivers ed, go to poetry nights, participate in theater or the arts, mostly volunteering and working a paid job though. i feel like i can balancs tht and be happy.
Tight now school and family are the 2 biggest stress factors that dominate my life.
Im not even able to dig deeper into my own life because im so caufht up and busy with details of family and school.
I need to be away for a while from both but school makes more sense because family has to do with family members I know personally. And I feel like I'd be betraying them if I moved out at this moment in time due to the fact that we are tangled in a housing situation and I want to be present since I'm one of those people that is generally relied on during emergencies or close to emergency.


Sometimes changing your outlook on life means changing your surroundings.
I'm not saying I won't have anymore problems, of course I will but I really feel I'm not in a place to be at school.
t the same time, it is one of the few ways I get out and talk to people and my mind gets stimulated. I might stay home reading at home if I don't go yo school. Which isn't bad but I'll miss out on discussions because no one at homecan replace a professor.


I wish I didn't have to commit so many hours. Like if I just went to class and was prepared to discuss but didn't have to do as much work. And I don't think it is a case of laziness. It is a case of priorities but how do I continue with that pursuit. How do I run with that idea.
My state of mind is not ready. I might function through it but I'll be on autopilot. I want to be able to do meaningful things. Things I have a passion for . And if I do something by obligation or expectation of external things I will lose hope and become suicidal again. It happened before.
I was about to post this in education and career but I think it fits here because it has to do with my mental health in relation to school but feel free to move it.