[Ambiance]

EDIT: Shortened so it's read-able.

I was at a party last night and one of my friends from high school was hanging around and chatting me up a lot. We both got really drunk and he put his arm around me at some point and I kind of laughed but I didn't push him away or anything and everyone else was leaving and he was massaging my shoulders and stuff and it felt nice so I let it happen but I fell asleep and he fell asleep. I woke up and was still drunk and I woke him up and made a move on him. We had to stop a couple of times because people came back in. I'm embarrassed because someone in the room next to us was awake the whole time and we didn't know he was, and that guy's girlfriend walked in on us, and they made some crude jokes because they knew we were having sex. It's just not something that ever would have happened if I wasn't exactly as wasted as I was and I feel ashamed and upset.

But here's the thing: He was touching me and I tried to move his hand a couple times, physically, and he wouldn't stop. I didn't tell him to stop and I had sex with him after it happened. But when the guy in the other room's girlfriend walked in, obviously we stopped, but I remember him touching me more before the door to the other room was shut and I remember him saying that he didn't think he could get hard again and I was like yeah okay let's stop and I started putting my clothes on and that was when, it was really abrasive too. I think he stopped before she shut the door but I can't really remember. I mean, I know that I was willing to have sex with him, but I talked to my friend and she said I couldn't consent because I was so drunk and she thinks I was raped. I don't think I was raped but something was wrong with the situation; I've had more consentually iffy situations, but this is the first time I've felt violated or regretted sleeping with someone.

I honestly don't know how to feel about it, but I'm really disturbed because I basically have always had fantasies about being dominated and it blurs the reality of situations in which my consent is iffy because part of me is into it. I know that's horrible but this is the first time that it's really made me feel horrible. I don't know what to do.