[Not_here]

Hi everyone,
I definitely had this issue for a while now. I remember as a kid doing things because of these thoughts I had. In short I believed in the yin and yang. There's good and bad. But basically my life will have both good and bad. So take a single day for instance. Good things will happen and so will bad things. Sometimes though I get really nervous about what possible bad things can actually happen so I try to control the bad things. This can happen in the form of worrying and putting all my energy in trying to jinx the bad thing from actually happening (if I think too much I'll put an evil eye on something evil (or traumatic) that's about to happen). So yeah, sometimes I'd even procrastinate on schoolwork because I believed if I got into "crunch time mode" and suffered in some way, I'd do better on the exam. The causing myself suffering thing is me taking the "bad" part of my day into my own hands, and then it's like I'll get good things happen as well as being able to predict or have control over the bad things-by producing them myself. I see how distorted this is but I can't let go of it. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Anyone goes through the same (or similar) things?

This is just one form of anxiety I'm experiencing-and have been experiencing for as long as I could remember. Even when I was a little kid, maybe around 8 years old and I'd be on the school bus going on a trip with my daycamp. I'm supposed to be having FUN. And all I'd do is worry. My worries aren't fake-it's not like I force myself to worry but I was mentioning above about why worrying became addictive to me. The procrastination "reasoning" started happening after I was already procrastinating. You know what I mean? It's all so complicated

Basically, it's taken a new layer. Basically ever since I started cutting I feel like I have to incorporate it into the causing bad things to myself. It's really confusing, even to me. I've done skin picking, biting sleeves (enough to produce holes in my sweaters), peeling finger and toe nails, peeling lips, emotional eating, and various other repetitive things since a young age. Cutting is pretty new (started a few years ago) but what I described so far is not the only reason I cut. Even if I did stop cutting, I would just be removing a behavior but the thought mechanism is still operating. So yeah. I'm just not sure anymore.