[Kindred]

Hey up

None of us here can diagnose you, because, as awesome as we are, we aren't doctors or otherwise trained to do so. Buuuuut we can try and help you a little.

What you're describing may or may not be an eating disorder, but it most certainly is a disordered eating pattern. And that's not good. You mention feeling disgusting and fat as well, so that makes me think it's likely you do have an eating disorder and could benefit from seeking treatment for it. But, maybe, if you're not too set in these ways, you can turn this around yourself? Eating irregularly and rarely is often not going to make you lose weight, as your body will go into "survival mode" and basically store anything at all you eat as fat, around your internal organs. It's doing this because it thinks you are facing a serious famine, and this is how it thinks it can survive that. My honest advice would be to see if you can start eating regularly, as doing what you're doing right now is really dangerous. Especially since you're recovering from knee surgery! Your body needs time to rest, losing weight can come later, when you're in a healthy mindset.

The way you're describing your mindset right now, I wouldn't recommend trying to lose any weight- healthily or unhealthily. You feel fat and disgusting, but it's doubtful this will change if you lose weight- especially since you've already gone to such extreme measures to try and achieve this. This is what indicates an eating disorder, and your mindset won't change when you lose weight. You need to recover from the feelings of self loathing first, otherwise it's likely even starting on a healthy eating plan to lose weight will just trigger you more and more, and it will never, ever be enough.

You say you're overweight- has a doctor confirmed this? The thing is, everyone has a different ideal weight- the weight at which their body naturally resides. If you look around you, you'll notice people around you pretty much stay the same shape throughout life, right? Your body doesn't want you to go over or under your set point anymore than you do. If you go under, it's likely you'll suffer health problems, and the same if you go over. The only thing that can change your set point is your lifestyle. If you permanently change your lifestyle (for example, taking up a sport and participating in it regularly, or moving near a restaurant and eating there every night) then maybe your weight will change. But the main point here is that your lifestyle must change, and permanently. Diets won't work- as soon as you finish the diet, your body will regain to it's natural weight. It's pretty stubborn

This applies to you not eating too much too- that's not sustainable, and you'll regain when you start eating normally, or if your body stops letting you diet basically. Your body will probably reach a point where it's had enough, and you'll start having urges to binge and eat everything in sight. Or, it could just give in- you don't have to be at a low weight to die from an eating disorder. Everyone's body gives in at different points. Don't be a statistic, stop this- I believe in you. I know how shitty it can feel to try and pull yourself out of these habits, but you've got to do it. Try and eat regularly, and set yourself back on track. If you can't, seek help.

There's a number of ways you can do this, but as you're 16 my advice would be parents first. Is that a plausible option? I know it probably seems bloody terrifying, the thought of talking to them about this, but most likely they'll be able to get you the help you deserve. If you can, try and talk to your parents, or guardian, or anyone you trust really. Tell them what's going on, and what you need from them. Alternatively, if this really isn't an option, you could go straight to the doctors, and I don't think they'll tell your parents if you don't want them to. But, parental support is pretty important in overcoming habits such as these. It's up to you though- this is all about you, and what makes you, comfortable and happy.

Look after yourself. Cuddle up with a blanket and watch your favorite film. Draw, paint, write (this one is especially good for coping with negative feelings). If you start eating again and feel guilty afterwards, distract yourself and don't let anyone tell you you're not beautiful. Even yourself. You're amazing. Think of all the things you've done in this world, and tell me that your body size undos those. It doesn't. You are worth so much more than your weight.

Chin up, you got this. I'm here <3

Laura