TeenHelp - View Single Post

Edit avatar · **Cutting -** December 5th 2014, 08:47 AM

I submitted a helplink ticket about this but I felt like posting here as well. I should probably post in the Self Harm Forum but I have issues with doing that. This is more private.

I am having trouble with dissociating and I am having trouble with my urges to self harm. I really want to cut and I am struggling with seeing the point of recovering. I am sitting here thinking about cutting myself and there are a lot of reasons why. School is a big stressor which after next week I am done but I haven't gotten the grades I want and I feel like an utter failure.

Dissociation: I used to do it a lot before I started going to therapy for my abuse. I mean, I was a walking disaster when it came to dissociation. I dissociated once and ran into a pole. I would dissociate at the drop of a hat. And, lately I've been dissociating. I did it yesterday when I was volunteering and I did it a lot. I was able to pull myself out of it but it was freaking me out because it had been so long since I had dissociated. Today, I've been in a state of half dissociation half aware. I don't know how to explain it. This is freaking me out because I don't know what is causing it and I don't want to go back to dissociating all the time.

I'm also worried that I'll end up cutting while I am in a dissociated state because I won't be present enough to stop myself. I used to cut when I was dissociated and sometimes cutting would make me dissociate. So IDK...I am just worried.

I never stop craving the self harm but this is constant. A month or so ago I thought about buying new blades and had to will myself not to go to the store. If I had been in a dissociated state I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. Sometimes I take a razor and put it to my skin just to feel something but I am able to not cut...if I am dissociated I might cut. I have a lot of semi-dangerous hacks I use to not cut that could turn into self harm. If I am dangerous these tricks might not be suck a good idea to use....but I might use them anyway because I am dissociated.

I am hoping that after this semester is over I'll feel better but I can't help but feel like a failure due to the grades I'll be getting. I should be thankful I am passing but it's just like...it's not perfection and these classes were heck of hard.

I need a break and I am getting one soon but life will keep going. I'll continue to drive myself mad with thoughts and I just don't know. I want to cut so badly. I know I can use the alternatives but when I am in this state they don't really work. It's shear willpower that keeps me from cutting and right now I just don't know if I care enough.

The main thing that is keeping me from cutting is that I know I'll be so disappointed in myself if I break my self harm free streak. April 23 will be two years and I want to get there but I am struggling with seeing the point of recovery right now.

To cut would bring so much relief. I know it wouldn't solve my problems but the relief would be amazing and that is what I am struggling with. I want that relief. I need that relief. Nothing brings me the relief that cutting does and I don't know what to do.

When I think about my past experiences with cutting it gives me a high. I get a sort of enjoyment thinking about it. I want the mess, the prepping, the pain. I want it all. I remember how that stuff used to be a chore and now it seems welcome. Cutting is invigorating and I don't know what to do because that feeling gets stronger every day. I know the relief it will bring. I'm starting not to care about the damage it will do. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a loss.

I have a list of reasons not to cut but that doesn't seem good enough anymore. My reasons to cut seem better.

I go to therapy tomorrow and I plan on talking to her about this but I don't know if it will do any good. Sometimes therapy helps and other times it doesn't. And, what can she possibly do to help me? I believe in therapy but sometimes I feel like I am hopeless when it comes to getting help.

There's so much I don't tell people because they don't need to know but it eats away at me. I won't tell them so that's not an option.

I feel lost and alone and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for days. Come christmas break that is what I plan on doing.

I'm a failure. I'll always be a failure and if that is the case why not fail at recovery too.