[hocus pocus]

Hi Max!

You're right, it's definitely possible to block out traumatic events, especially those that happen when you're younger. I do not wish to put my personal experiences out here, however, if you'd like some insight please feel free to send me a PM. When you cannot physically leave a situation, you brain will mentally leave and that's known as dissociation. Some people describe it as "blacking out" or as watching themselves from afar. If this did happen to you and you dissociated, memories will come back when your body thinks you're ready to deal with them. The reason why your body did this in the first place was to protect you, and it still might want to protect you for a while longer.

With that being said, I know uncertainty can be hard, but you cannot force your memories to come back. I know that thinking about it can sometimes make it all the more frustrating so perhaps you can do some things to keep yourselves busy. Your memories will come back when your body is ready to show you.

Your experience at the doctor when you were younger is an indicator that something may have happened. A lot of victims of abuse will flinch when they're being checked out at the doctor's. Excessive masturbation is also another sign of abuse as well. So is knowing about sex and things related without ever being told about it.

As for whether or not you went through something, trust your instinct with this. I believe you said that you don't wish to see a counselor and that's understandable but seeing someone will be essential for you to heal. Even if you don't know for sure about your past, seeing a counselor will be beneficial. I suggest seeing one that specializes in trauma, and there are therapies such as hypnosis and EMDR that help correctly store your traumatic memories. Someone compared the affects of abuse to cancer to me once; they said that in order to heal, you have to get your feelings and thoughts related to what you went through out of your body. It seems like you have a good relationship with your dad so I suggest confiding in him when you need to and possibly seeing if you can get some counseling.

Take care and feel free to send me a PM!