[Loserboyy]

This might be a little long, so please be patient with me.
This all started because my best friend is currently in a relationship with a guy who tried to rape her last year. Even though she claims that "he changed" and "had no idea what he was doing before," I was just SO DAMN MAD that she would make that choice. I've always reacted very strongly to rape victims, but I've had no previous memory of being raped myself. Then I thought about something my dad said to me a few moths ago. First, he asked me if I had ever been sexually abused and when I said no, he told me that something happened to me when I was around five or six.
I was always a very social child. I loved making friends and talked nonstop. Suddenly, one day, my father was trying to make me pay for something at a toy store, but I started crying and freaking out because I didn't want to talk to the cashier and I didn't want to be seen in public. I've been living with crippling social anxiety ever since and suffer from frequent panic attacks. When the doctor went to examine my genitals, I threw a fit and pushed her off of me because I thought that she was trying to rape me. My mother got angry that her kids couldn't control themselves and I made such a big scene that we weren't allowed to go back to that doctor's office. Now, I am very closed off from other people and I often feel disconnected from my own body. Because of this, I started to wonder if I had ever suffered any abuse as a child that could've triggered my social anxiety and disconnection.
I started to look this up online and found that it is completely possible to block out traumatic experiences that happened during childhood. I started to look up lists of symptoms and found that most of the symptoms listed apply to me. The two that stuck out most were masturbating at a very young age and knowing about sex even though it was never explained to me. I never remember when I started to masturbate, but I think that it was well before I was eight years old. I distinctly remember that I was doing it frequently by third grade and most likely before that, too. Nobody ever told me what it was, I just did it.
Nobody has ever explicitly explained sex to me or given me "the sex talk" or the "Mommy, where do babies come from?" explanation that most kids get. I always knew what went where without anyone ever explaining it to me.
I got so scared about this possible blank in my memory that I even asked my father about it. My father and I are very close. He was molested by a janitor at his school when he was very young and only recently felt like he was able to open up about it. When I told him this, he said he always believed that I had been sexually abused. I had all the symptoms that he had and he didn't have much other explanation for why my personality changed so drastically when I was young.
With all of this information, I'm currently trying to figure out weather this deduction is true or not, who abused me, when it happened, and how it happened.
While trying to figure all of this out, I came across another symptom on an abuse website that popped out to me. It was the experience of recurring nightmares. I remember having two recurring nightmares as a child. One of them was a dream where zombie pirates would invade my house and try to kill my family (it happened after I watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Seven year old me was clearly traumatized by this) and the other, more important, nightmare was this horrible recurring nightmare that terrified me. I could never remember what happened in the dream, but when I woke up, I was reminded of dark spaces and leprechauns and I couldn't go back to sleep because I was so scared. Leprechauns never scared me and I really had no idea where that came from.
What if this weird leprechaun nightmare was the key to my missing memory? I've been trying to put together the pieces. Did something happen on Saint Patrick's Day? Nothing made sense to me. I started to think about people who reminded me of leprechauns. This brought me to the man that my mother had cheated on my father with. He was an old family friend and was a teacher in the same classroom as my mother at the middle school I attended. He was the person that my dad had originally suspected did something to me, but I always thought that it was just my father's anger that was driving him to think that way. Now, I think that he may be the main suspect. I never found him physically attractive, but when I wad in middle school, I was attracted to him in this weird way. I often thought that he was looking at me in a sexual way. I never felt this with any of my other teachers (or any grown ups at all). He came over to my house often when I was in elementary and middle school and there were many chances for us to be alone together. People were always telling me that my brother and I were like clones of my mother when we were little (which always made me irrationally angry. I knew my mother was very attractive), and if he was attracted to her, then maybe he was also attracted to me.
I don't know. If it did happen, I don't really want to remember. My dad is so convinced that someone raped me and I'm starting to believe it myself. I'm scared to find out the truth and I'm scared that if I keep digging, I might learn something else that I don't want to. It's hard enough being a depressed, gay kid with an absent mother and I don't need this kind of stress in my life. I genuinely hope more than anything that my suspicions are false, but I can't help but wonder. If anyone knows anything about repressed memories, please, PLEASE try to answer me about this and tell me what you think.