[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey there!

I think that it takes tons of courage to open up, so you should be so proud of yourself for coming here!

You said you are confused about why you are having so many thoughts about self harm. One suggestion I have that may help out with that is to keep a journal. Journals are also good ways to vent out emotions. But, for the purpose of identifying triggers, write down the times when you have the urge to self harm, especially if these urges get bad. Write down the date and time it happened, where you were when it happened, what you were doing, and how you were feeling. You can even write about how you dealt with the situation. Then you can look back through this journal and see if you can pinpoint any patterns or events that you can try and get advice on or try and solve. It may be easier to stop the urges when you know what is causing them.

I know you mentioned having social anxiety, but I strongly urge you to at least try and speak to someone about this. This is a link to a list of people who may be able to help. A lot of those people are non-judgmental, which would make them good to go to. If it helps, you can even write them a letter about what is going on so nerves or interruptions don't get in your way.

This is a link to a list of alternatives to self harm. They are healthier, safer ways to cope with what is going on in your life. If one alternative doesn't work, don't get discouraged, because one definitely will!

Maybe you can find something to do with your hands to distract yourself in public, such as squeezing a stress ball, playing with Play Doh, or carrying small toys around that you can play with.

Try and find ways to express what you are feeling as well, such as writing, art, or music. Exercise is another wonderful way to release stress.

When you are at home, try and get rid of any self harm tools you have, or at least put them somewhere harder to get at, so you will have less temptation to actually use them. You can also carry around a note with you detailing all the reasons you may want to recover from self harm.

I know you can do this!

-Dez