[ElectricWizard]

Hi

For 2 months and 15 days, I've had a special someone. We're 15 and I love her to bits. She's intelligent, loving, caring, good looking and is my soulmate.

I want to be able to help others in the same or a similar situation as me, as well as seek support for myself and her.

Behind the smile, lies an urge to harm herself, to punish herself. The urge to die.

I assure you, many self harmers are not usually suicidal, self harm is used as a desperate cry for help or the punishment of ones self, but I believe when self harmers become addicted and the growing pressure builds up, suicidal tendencies start to build too, so as soon as you know someone is hurting themselves deliberately, you support them in anyway you can to avoid that or even slow down the process in some cases.

The time I found out she had been hurting herself was the time she was with her now ex-boyfriend, who happens to be my best friend (it's a tale of betrayal, oh, the drama)
We talked about her often, because I liked her too and it caused a lot of grief for me knowing she was with a guy I was once able to trust.
But anyway, one day I was around his house and he said, 'you know, .........cuts herself'
And it shocked me. To find out someone you are close to, someone you have feelings for, is hurting themselves deliberately, it's a hard pill to swallow. You would think it was a phase or just 'a time when bad things happened'
Sometimes, it's been happening for years, sometimes is just a bad day. But with my Emma (we'll just call her emma for now), it isn't a phase. After seeing a picture of her legs, i knew it wasn't a phase. After years, it becomes a way of life and it is up to you to change these people's lives.
My friend left her to prepare for exam season and said another reason was her self harming.
My time of hurt ended, and I was time to put that positive energy into saving the one I love. I picked up the pieces, and I'm rebuilding her slowly.

One thing you do not do is leave you friend or loved one alone. You reassure them, tell them everything will be fine, tell them you are here for them, and if they call you or text to 1:00Am, you message straight back and ask them what is wrong. They need you, you're important to them enough to make them turn to you. It doesn't matter if you can't handle it, slowly, you learn and you'll handle and help them through their darkest hours.

Another thing is, you do not lose your temper. Be patient, sometimes it's tough expressing thoughts and feelings. Be supportive of these people, and try to help them out with simple exercises (breathing exercises etc.)

Lastly, you cannot, under any circumstances say 'just stop' or 'promise me you'll stop' because, that's like saying stop sleeping or eating. Once you know it is a way of life for them, an addiction, you'll know it will take years for this addiction to come to a full stop. It's sad but true. Those two words do not help at all.

It's time to give you guys insight into my girlfriend, from what I know. Do not let this break your image of her. At first sight, you'd see a young, happy, smart teen with endless amounts of kindness and love. That is exactly what you get, she's amazing. And it's such a shame, that people could hate this little innocent girl who deserves nothing but love, because that's all she gives, love. She's fairly introverted, but she sticks up for her friends and family, and gives undying support to anything and anyone. She has done charity work, raising money for cancer awareness and even attended my mom's race for life. She's is incredibly talented as well. She can play a number of instruments, and can draw amazing pictures. She's perfect, and I love her.

She has been self harming, specifically cutting for 3 years, she considers herself addicted. she used to smoke, but she quit and I'm so proud of her for that. Then a couple of weeks ago, two cigarettes. Once, she smoked cannabis. On 4 occasions she has been calling me and messaging me drunk, I know the alcohol has taken control. She has told me that she has been in hospital for suicide attempts, overdosing on medicine sometimes. As I write this, although I'm a 15 year old boy who has a heart build for war, I'm overwhelmed with sadness, I get so teary eyed.

The reasons behind this; she struggles sometimes with her diabetes, parents split up whilst she was young, constantly argues with her mum, a friend of hers, committed suicide, now she cannot sleep at night because her dreams of him and 'shadow things' and she believes she sees him and hears him. She believes she has failed her exams, but she passed 2/3, she passed 2 major subject whilst i passed 1 and I'm so proud of her...
And there is probably more...

She is not crazy...

She has professional help. She goes to counciling and they are thinking of putting her on anti-depressants which I vouch for, but I'll lose her if she does take them, they're personality changers, but I know it's for her own good. What can I do? Also, I asked her one day if I could come to counciling with her as extra support. She said no. I can feel she is upset by the matter and doesn't want me to be brought down, which I respect. I've heard she breaks down into fits of rage...

I live far away, which is a problem. I try my best to see her as much as I can, luckily last week I saw her 4 days in a row. I do have problems of my own, but I believe Emma's are far more severe and I want to put my time and energy into helping her rather than myself most of the time.

But we have hope, she has hope. Is this a sign? We have been discussing things, like our house or cottage we will live in when we're older, our dog we'll have, name him or her Kurt or Kurtina. We've discussed what car we'll have. And even, baby names...

I want this to happen, more importantly, I want her happy. I'm giving her my all, buying gifts, complimenting her, telling her I miss her and I love her. It's all true. I want to help her through everything. I love her so, so much and i never want to leave her. But it all comes down to the question: can I do it?

Relationship wise, we're so close, but I constantly bombard her with messages checking up on her, I'm scared I'll ruin it for the both of us...
That aside, I believe I'm providing as much support as I can...

I've persisted, and I won't stop for nothing.

What do you guys think? What else can I do?