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Re: Depression, hatred, anger... self hate -
August 18th 2014, 08:41 AM
Hi, Anthony!
I'm sorry you're struggling with all these things. I understand how these factors would cause you to be depressed. Sounds like everything's really hard for you, especially the way your mom is, possibly becoming homeless, and not having anyone else. You must be a really strong person to have been through all this, and yet, you're still here. I realize you simply came to vent, and I believe it's healthy you don't expect the topic to change your life because I don't have that power, none of us do. However, I am posting in hopes that I can help to some extent and help you realize you have more power than you realize.
I realize that with depression comes lack of energy and motivation. But you can do more for yourself than you know. You have more control over yourself than you believe. Being in a negative mindset can be really hard to come out of and you can't just "snap out of it" like you said, but it's possible to improve with little steps and patience. Try making one positive step everyday. Do something positive for yourself you normally wouldn't have, such as showering even if you don't feel like it. When you're depressed, staying in bed and not doing anything seems really comforting, but it can actually make it worse. You don't have to be extremely productive all in one day, I know that's really difficult to do, but just try to do small things to break out of your negative habits, you know?
You said you quit high-school; so, you dropped out? Do you think you could study and take a G.E.D test? I think that'd be fairly helpful in looking for a job. I know it isn't simple and easy to just go out and get a G.E.D, or get a job, but hopefully trying to do so will be like a first step. I believe that if you had something planned for finding a job, you'd feel more secure and hopeful. Because understandably, it sounds like the way things are now are extremely stressful for you seeing how your current living arrangement isn't exactly stable.
Having no friends can be extremely lonely. Although, something I figured I'd mention is that online friends can turn out to be great friendships as well. And if it's a good friendship, you could also meet up with the person once you know them well enough. Lots of people online can turn out to be really cool friends.
The fact you've found comfort and some sort of an escape in music and games in good though. Hobbies can be really good to have. Have you tried anything else aside from those things? Thinking that maybe if you tried out different and new things, it'll help spark your interests again. So everything won't feel so stale and dead. Being adventurous is how we find the best things. Along with hobbies, emotional outlets may help you a lot as well. Since you say you enjoy music, do you play any instruments? You can also have emotional outlets in other creative activities too, like painting, drawing, writing poetry/short stories. Do you have a journal? Sometimes simply writing down your thoughts/feelings can be relieving. You could also start a blog on here!
It makes me feel sad that you feel like ending your life. I know you must feel like life is impossible, that nothing will ever change. But I just want you to know that things can change, and you play more of a role in changing for the positive than you know. Just think about if how things can change so much in a bad way, they also have to be able to change in a good way. Lots of things don't stay the same, and if everything stayed the same, we wouldn't have butterflies. I believe you can make something great out of what you're going through now. You're gonna become a stronger, more experienced person I believe. Life is difficult, but it's never impossible so don't ever let yourself believe that it's impossible.
You can get through this, so hang in there, okay? I truly believe that somewhere along the line, you'll see that life is worth living. You've got your whole future ahead of you and some great things you have yet to experience. You're free to message me anytime if you'd like someone to talk to, even if it's just to vent. Venting can be fairly helpful and I definitely don't mind listening. I really hope none of this post came off as rude or anything. I'm just trying my best to offer advice to help you out, I haven't been through what you have, but I know it can't be easy. Just want you to know I'm not disregarding your feelings or anything, and I hope it didn't seem that way. Really hoping that this post helped you in some way.
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