[AB1992]

Greetings, I am Anthony.

I don't know where to begin. I feel very scared and nervous. I am very unsocial and completely isolated, for many years now. I have no real friends, spouse, or any family other than mom. I quit high school as soon as I became 18, because I had no concern for it, and was failing bad(because it felt meaningless). I was only bullied to a low level. It was never a huge problem. After school that was it, begins the down slide.

To make it short now I stay in home every day, all day and never go anywhere to participate in anything, even if I had something to do it would not matter. I have no interests anymore. Everything is dry, stale and dead.
I have no money or transportation, and no job or any signs of even beginning a career at anything. It gets more scary because I am living with mom against her apartment's rules. At anytime I could be kicked off the property, or have mom evicted.(Government housing is B.S.)
All I have to keep me sane is music and computer games.

I only ever go outside to get food and household supplies. I never ever do anything else. If I step out at anytime, I feel as if something bad is going to happen, and that everyone is plotting to do evil. I cannot talk to people or make eye contact. I am very racist at different groups, which I am living close to lots of... I hate them with a passion from life experiences. So dealing with anyone in general is very hard. The street is full of bums that I wish I could rip apart.

To make it worse mom constantly threatens to kick me out for doing nothing. She doesn't know that I can't just snap out of this empty state and become stable. My mom has very bad health and her own problems, she is not the type of person I can go to for help, but remains the only supply for a home and food.

If I become homeless I know I cannot tolerate it, Been there already.
I feel like I strongly want to end life but am a coward. I have no pain tolerance and know I cannot bring a weapon to myself. Still I always fear there is going to be 1 moment that shoves me off the edge.

Besides all of that I have poor health. Years of isolation lead to me neglecting everything. My physical appearance, health is very bad. I have almost no energy to do even slight things such as showering.
I wish I could just snap out and make something of this nothing, but I know it's far from possible. I am poor and cannot afford treatment, and if I could I know I do not have the courage to seek it.

I don't expect this topic to be a life changer. I simply need a place to vent.
I feel less awkward telling strangers than frie... oh I have none.