[Kate*]

I'm suddenly freaking out over this again. If he's the one watching it, I doubt he's had time. I'm going in on Tuesday when I can deal with it. The decision will either be good and will give me the privilege that I've EARNED more than anyone else, or it will be that my dream has ended because they have given up on me.

Freaking out over it won't change anything or make it happen any faster. Now I get to, once again, sit at home freaking out for days over this. I'm hoping that I waste it freaking out for nothing and it turns out okay, but I've learned to prepare myself for everything to fall apart.

Just looked at these procedures again, maybe I'm not ready. There's a learning curve and they expect me to make mistakes, but they're questioning even allowing me to get to the place where I can make those mistakes. I see why everyone is terrified when they start, but am I afraid because it's normal, or because I have extenuating circumstances. Plus I have to have passed that test. I'm 99.9% sure that I did, if I were paranoid about it I could call her on Monday, but when I'm going up there the next day that doesn't make much sense.