[mindflower]

I think I'm scared of you again which is horrible because how can someone love something that terrifies them? Or is that what love is supposed to do? I don't... Tonight you hugged me and usually it would feel like home, no, it felt like abuse and I've never panicked so hard in my life. And part of me hopes you saw how much pain I'm in so you feel as much guilt as I do for not being good enough for you. Again. And I miss your friends, MY friends, I miss them and they showed me pity like they could see right through me, and you... YOU had no right to even talk to me, you were a selfish jerk and I can't stop thinking about you and I HATE MYSELF EVERY DAY FOR IT. I shouldn't have gone to your play tonight. I just should have stayed home and my phone keeps vibrating and I keep hoping its you so I can not answer and cry about it. I'm so pathetic now Matthew. I am in so much pain.