[drodii]

Thank you so much for the reply and this great list of alternatives for the self-harm. I'll try some of the ones I haven't next time I have any urges. <3

As for your question about my not wanting therapy: I'm an extremely skeptical person. I believe that although they may genuinely be there because they want to help, I am often turned away by the fact that it is an occupation, and at the end of the day I can only see that I am really only money. Without people to treat, they would have no job. It leaves me extremely turned off to the suggestion of therapy.

The friend I had mentioned in my previous post is now on anti-depressant medications. I can be an extremely happy person and I love myself very much. It scares me to think that perhaps I could be diagnosed with depression and be prescribed medication to change who I am. It may sound selfish and perhaps even offense, but I want to feel normal. I don't want to know daily that the only reason I'm happy is because medications are helping me to be that way.

My boyfriend (and now myself) thought that through sharing my experience with others like me, I could learn more about myself and find reasons/ways to out myself above self harm. He has been a big part of my recovery, but now I feel that I want to use him as a crutch less. I know he is there for me when I'm on the verge of relapse or in the event that I do relapse, but I want to show him and my other friends that I am overcoming this and that their help and support is paying off. I know it hurts him to see me constantly depressed or having problems, and I want him to see me accomplish great things.

Now that my parents are in the picture, I would also like them to know that I am still the same person and one day be able to tell them they don't ever have to worry about me hurting myself again. Now that I'm getting older, I am seeing all of the reasons I should stop, that stopping can change my life in amazing ways, and that there is an end to this. But like I said before, I haven't known any other ways to help the depressing thoughts, so self harm is always the first thing I think will help. Hopefully you understand what I'm trying to explain. It's always been the go-to.

I see now that self harm only temporarily gives me relief from my feelings, and instead of more harmful methods, I want to turn to something positive.