[jmike129]

So, I should probably preface this with the fact that I'm new here and that I mostly sought out this site as a place where I could post my problems and talk to people without the thought of negative repercussion. Obviously we all have problems, but some of us are not comfortable talking about them in person or with people whom we interact with in the real world, so forums such as these give people a good place to vent things which they normally would be too embarrassed or uncomfortable to discuss IRL.

Anyway, I've felt consistently distraught over the past few months about a certain fact in my life that makes me feel very inadequate to those around me. That fact being that I have never been in any sort of relationship.

I should explain first and foremost why I feel distraught over this fact. In our society, it is plain to see that we as a people (by people I mean people in western cultures) place heavy importance on romance; after all, love is a plot device in almost every work of art, film, music, literature, etc; it is the emotion that evokes the greatest and worst aspects of humanity. It is the feeling by which we recognizing something greater than ourselves. I would be lying if I were to say that I have never felt love, in the sense that I have loved before, but I would also be lying if I said that I had ever in my life felt what it is like to be loved. I have never felt what it is like to be liked, let alone what it is like to be loved. This lack of affection in my life makes me feel somewhat unwanted in society; that I have some flaw that keeps me from being a normal, functioning member of society, and that it would be better if I were not present in society to begin with.

I should explain that I am not alone by my own choice; I tried just as much as any other guy in highschool to get dates, but every girl I asked replied to my advances with the same reply, more or less, "I really like being around you , and your a really nice, handsome guy, but I just don't feel that way about you. I'd rather we just stay friends instead". At first glance, this wasn't at all a bad thing to me. On the contrary, it was something that made me feel good about myself at first. "Sure," I thought "this girl may not like me in the romantic sense, but she likes me enough as a person to keep me as a friend, and that's something great in and of itself!". And that's how I felt for awhile; that I just wasn't right for that specific person and eventually I'd meet someone who felt the same for me as I did for them. But then the years went by, and more and more girls rejected me when I asked them out. Eventually I decided that I wasn't meant to be with anyone and pondered whether I should just accept my fate as a loner (I know, that's a very irrational thought, but you must understand that I was feeling serious depression at this point, and occasionally even had suicidal thoughts. My mind just wasn't functioning correctly at the time.) Nevertheless, I trudged through these negative thoughts and kept on pushing, not accepting the defeat that was so clearly looking me directly in the face. I made it a goal to find a girlfriend by the time I graduated.

Well, I graduated two weeks ago, and surprise, surprise, I went through four years of high school single. You may think that this means nothing, as I'm about to head to university and I'll have plenty of time to find someone right, but I assure you that the reason I feel sorrowful is not that I do not believe that I will ever find anyone (though I do think this sometimes) but that I feel sad for two distinctly different reasons.

I feel sad because A) I have missed out on memories that I feel everyone should have experienced at one point in their life, and B) I feel unwanted and childish for not experiencing these things.

It seems that there are certain social milestones that people are supposed to experience at X date in their life: go on a date, get a girlfriend, have your first kiss, go to your first dance, have sex, etc. While I believe that there is no reason to be ashamed of being a virgin at this early of an age, I do feel ashamed for not having other experiences that are in the same ballpark. I have to accept that I'll never know what it's like to go to prom with a girl you really like, or what it's like to have a highschool sweetheart. Furthermore, I am very ashamed of the fact that I am 18 and I've never so much as kissed a girl. It seems like most people have their first kiss around 13-14, so being this late of a bloomer seems like a very shameful thing, illogical, I know, but it's honestly how I feel. There's a sociological stigma given to people who don't have any luck getting date/attracting people; they're considered weird and pathetic losers, and thus I now consider myself to be such, because society has taught me to. :/

What is worse though than feeling like a loser because of my inexperience, is that I also feel very paranoid about the future that may become of this ignorance. I feel that if I somehow do find someone in college and manage to go on a date, then I am going to be so oblivious to the social cues and expectations that I'll embarrass myself and that no girl will want to be with me. I mean, to explain to a girl in college that not only that you've never dated before, but that you've never gone any farther than hug girl, is a terrifying prospect to me. Yet, I feel like if I am going to meet a girl, it would be a conversation that would be inevitable; I mean, it would be rather awkward if I kissed a girl and I was so bad at it (for obvious reasons) and would then have to say "oh, well that was my first kiss..." when she says something about how bad it was! It just seem like whatever is in store for me, if there is anything in store for me at all, is destined to be awkward and embarrassing, which is not a very comforting though, considering my social anxiety.

Well, there you have it. That's my problem, and there's where I am in life right now. If you'd like to comment on it, feel more than welcome, if not, then thanks for reading this little rant anyway!