Over the last few months i have started drinking a little more than i ever used to. I think i partly started to copy the habits of a work colleague of mine who always talks about looking forward to "that large glass of wine after work".
I think i started doing that and finding it quite enjoyable and relaxing. After a few drinks with music on - I'd dance around and sing for the evening and feel lovely.
Though recently, I've definitely noticed that when I get stressed, from work or anything, that the thought of getting to a drink calms me down. I have a boyfriend who perhaps thinks this is a fairly 'unhealthy' attitude - which is right, I know that.
So when I am with him (3-4 nights a week), I don't drink particularly. But I do think to myself that I'll be glad on a day when he's not with me that I'll be able to go and drink a bottle of wine to myself.
Tonight is one of those nights, I am alone, I've bought my wine and cigarettes to enjoy "in peace". But I know this shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't WANT to drink alone? Should I?
To be honest, tonight isn't exactly the jovial dancing/singing night I'd imagined. Its turned into me just procrastinating about my uni assignments and weeping every so often about missing my boyfriend
Gosh I feel sad - like stupid sad. Is this the beginning of some tragic relationship between feelings, alcohol and depression?
I just hope I feel like I'm analysing this enough now to be able to spot it "early" and change the pattern that is emerging.