* I'm sorry. You'll never know why, but I am. It's just that I realized how much it hurt me that I am unable to feel anything for anyone right now. I just wanted to feel something, for an instant. But that's not why I am sorry. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I know you aren't, I know you want to know all of me, and I love you for that. But I am sorry, because what I have with you is something I've wanted for years, and I am worried this is a sign that what I believed was true: I am not cut out to be anyone's.

God, I had hoped I was wrong. I hope I am. Because you're one of the best people to come into my life in a while. And you're the first one of them who actually seems to be able to "manage" me, for lack of a better word, without it compromising you.

I love you. Even if it's hard for me to tell you right now, to reach out to you, I do. I am not scared to say it anymore. I just can't seem to fight through this fog to tell you.

* I'm sorry I haven't really talked to you since Friday. I know you must be worried sick. It's just that I don't want to talk to lots of people. I want to see you tomorrow, too, but I don't think you'll understand. I cannot afford for us to get into a fight right now; I will lose my shit so fast you won't know what hit you. I fidget and get agitated easy right now. Basically, I am going to be on edge and you may not be a good person to be around when I am on edge.

[i]WARNING: Rant with some strong language

You really f**king hurt my feelings Friday. I mean, I was distraught (and almost never, ever am, not like this) and all you can ask is "Why?" WHY? I don't know, sweetheart, why were YOU depressed for three months? The answer is you just were, so you know how this works. So suddenly if it's not something you can't fix you say "Well, sorry, I am hanging out with 'A' today, but you'll be okay." Okay? OKAY?! First of all, every time "A" has had one of her minor little emotional "emergencies" you drop stuff with me to go rescue her because she's just so "helpless." Newsflash, baby: A is a grown-ass woman. She is almost thirty. If you keep rescuing her she is never going to get better. "S" and I have stopped rescuing her, so get with the program or else she will never change. The sooner you realize that, the easier EVERYONE'S lives in this relationship will be.

But A's unhealthy coping habits and manipulative behavior aside, I really needed you, it was your day off, and you could have spared more than two minutes on the phone. But you didn't. I haven't called you in that level of emotional distress in about a year now and in my moment of need you tell me that "it'll be okay." You may as well have said "there, there," and patted me on my proverbial head. It was really insensitive. I love you, but sometimes you are really insensitive.

And that's why I am worried about tomorrow. I don't want "this" kind of stuff to come spilling out at you. I can't take the stress of a fight. I just can't go down that path with you right now.