[Beautiful_Mess]

I've just made a horrible decision, and I feel and believe it's the right one..But then why am I hurting from it?? So you guys know..the decision I've had to make, is to break up with my fiance. He cheated on me, and started get abusive soo I think it's best to leave him.I mean I didn't completely love him..but it's just I'm taking this harder than I thought I would. I know it's for the best..becuz I know I deserve better and all..but why can't I feel that..well technically I do feel that it's for the best..but I just can't smile properly as in meaning it...and all I won't to do is curl up in a ball and die...I sorta miss him.. and sometimes I feel as if I can't live without him..which I know I can. Why? WHY?! Do I feel like if I do this I'm just not going to be okay.
I'm tired..I'm tired of hiding how I feel to everyone...I have to lie..and pretend I'm okay..when I'm not..when I feel like just dying.. Yeah lately I've just wanted to die. But I know of I do I'll hurt sooooo many people..I feel like if I reach out to certain people..that either they'll ignore me..or they'll just try and help and then can't..I want to feel like the old Beth again.. I want to smile and have my random bursting out into laughter episodes again. I haven't done that in 6 months...I want to scream and cry...and just hit something..but I can't cry, becuz my eyes have ran dry..and I can't scream becuz when I want to I can't find my voice. and I can't hit anything becuz I don't emotionally and physically have the fucking strength. I'm mad. I'm hurt...and I'm depressed. I just want to..to..to I don't know! Anymore...I don't feel loved sometimes..becuz I think well if he loved me, why'd he cheat on me..why'd he lie and hurt me soo badly? WHY?! Would he be cheated after he proposed? Does no one love me enough to NOT hurt me..to actually not break a fucking promise?
I thought, like I said I THOUGHT...I thought he loved me..I thought i was his "Girl" I thought I was the ONLY one. But I guess not. I guess..I will never be in a relationship that I'm happy in, that I can actually say.."He loves me, he wouldn't do stupid shit as in cheat on me" That's all I'm asking for I JUST WANT TO BE AND FEEL LOVED BY SOMEONE..I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN..AND BE ABLE TO TRUST A MAN AGAIN. But it doesn't look like I'm get that. Why do I always find jerks, assholes, back stabbers?
When People ask me..."Are you okay, Hun?" I say" Yes I'm good" But what I really want to say is " No I'm not okay..I'm falling apart. I'm dying inside..I want someone to hold me..tell me I'm okay, tell me it's going to be okay...HELP ME...make me realize..that I'm worth living with..hold me as I break down pleasse!? I need you!? I know you don't understand how to help..but at least tryyy??,,,please?,,," That's what I really want to say..but I know that...it's better if I don't...I just..I don't know anymore..I just feel like fucking trouble to everyone...I'm just sooo fucking tired.