[Finding Wonderland]

I just want somebody to care about me. I am so tired of being alone in this whole depressed thing. I'm tired of caring for other people and getting nothing in return. I am tired of having friends who constantly pick on me and tease me and take care of other people like gold but treat me like crap. I'm tired of being teased. I want somebody to care.

I'm depressed. I don't need to lean on anybody just because I have a mental illness. I can take care of myself. My therapist once told me I was the smartest and happiest depressed person. Because I can talk to myself and figure things out on my own.

But I want somebody to care. I want somebody to hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright. I'm tired of putting all the weight of people on my shoulder's and going out of my way to help people. I want to be free to be someone other than what people have created me into being.

I want someone to care.

That's why I'm depressed. If you asked me just thirty minutes ago or two months ago why I'm depressed I couldn't answer you. Heck I've been writing this thread for the last hour and I couldn't even tell you why I was depressed until right now.

I have no control in my life and everything I do is centered around other people. I live my life for others. I know I do. I always thought service made you happy.

It doesn't if you live your whole life serving people by listening to them gossip, rant, rave, and even share their stories about helping others.

Nobody helps me.

I hang out with 3 guys who I call my best friends. I love them so much. But all of these guys are in love and so I'm often forgotten. And they pick on me relentlessly. They constantly are knocking me down. And they turn around and treat their loves and other friends like gold. They go out of their way to help them.

Once we all had a convention on how to get someone to be happier. A girl who is talented beyond belief, who can do anything you ask her to, and they got 15 people to help her be happier. And there I am, little depressed me who wants to die on occasion pretending to be happy and taking care of other people when really maybe I need the help.

I saved my friend from suicide. But he doesn't bother to catch up with me and make sure I'm not feeling the same way. And that doesn't bother me because he has a lot on his mind. But it does bother me on occasion, I just don't want it to. I want him to be happy. (You see? I live for other's happiness)

I want to fall in love again. I want to laugh with someone and know that they won't knock me down and make me miserable. I want to know that to someone I come first instead of pulling up second. I want to matter to someone and I want to help them and be their best friend. I want to be wanted instead of forgotten.

No. I am not depressed because I'm not in love. No, I'm not that kind of teenage girl. I am fine with myself. I am fine being alone, I just want a best friend who cares about me and I come in first. My so called "best friend" (The one I saved from suicide) takes me for granted. When he falls in love with a girl, or even likes a girl, he pushes me away and opens up to that person more. And I'm forgotten once more. And all I want is to be included in his life.

I want to be included in everyone's lives. I hate being second. I want someone to want me and share with me everything they have. I want to help them and I want them to help me.

I'm tired of pulling all this weight by myself. It's like I'm on this hike and everyone gave me their equipment to carry up the hill. I gladly took it and from behind them I'm smiling and laughing and trying to make conversation, but when I look up I realize that they are all ahead of me on the hike and I'm all alone.

Would it kill them to care about me? It's been this way for years. I've been living for others since elementary school.

Who am I?