[Zemie]

ever since i was little ive known that i didn't want to be a girl and i've always worn boys clothes and for years now ive had a boy haircut so I don't know what my parents think or anything, i mean since they let me do all this, but i really want to like 'come out' (bleh) to them i am transgender. In public when people think I'm a boy it makes me happy but i feel bad for my parents because it embarrasses them i guess. I hate my body so much and I really want to have like surgery and hrt, but I'm whenever i think of telling my parents it just feels impossible. My parents are very liberal so I don't think they would hate me or anything, but like just whenever i think of like having to tell my friends or other members of my family it just seems like it would be so awkward and scary, even though i know it probably won't be nearly as bad as i imagine it. I just don't know why I can't. And like i really want to because it keeps getting worse, like I always compare myself to other guys and it just makes me feel worse and worse. Like I get really bad anxiety where i can hardly talk to people and i have like this weird reoccurring thought of stabbing myself in my hips or chest because i hate it so much and i draw a lot of pictures of women like being stabbed or cut open and that makes me feel better but I also worry that people will think i'm insane or somethine I've never been to a therapist and I'm not on any medication so I don't know, there could be other things wrong with me and I worry about that a lot. I've tried to tell my parents maybe i need help but they always brush it off like jokingly.
But anyway like an idea i keep having for coming out is to like write a letter to my mom and just give it to her and then go for a walk while she reads it and then whatever happens will happen, but I just can't bring myself to do it and I don't know why.
I'm sorry this is like a rambled mess