[Lelola]

Question one: I feel like I will always love him, and not in a friend or brother type of way; he's told me this as well. I never felt that way with my first ex, and I definitely never told him anything of the sort. This thinking results in delusions of us getting back together someday, or like get married in the long run, but a reality check usually brings me back to the conclusion that I don't ever want to be with him again. Are these normal feelings to have? Can you "always" love someone like that, but keep it on the backburner if you know it will never work out?

I think that one way that I look back at my exes is that I view it through rose-tinted glasses. However, I keep in mind that I am not the same person that I was during those times and neither is that person. I remember that there were reasons that why we broke up and that not everything is peachy.

I think this is more common with your first ex. My ex had this issue for a long time and we even ended up dating twice. The 2nd time around, I realized I just didn't care about whether we were dating so I ended it. He kept the "torch" burning for another year and a half till I returned to town. Then I went and dated someone else because my tastes and interests had changed and he found someone who was very much like who I was in high school.

Question two: I moved away a couple of states a few months ago. I told him I would need some space and maybe if I moved back--it was completely up in the air whether I was planning to or not--we could start over. But that he shouldn't count on it and I didn't want him to like wait for me or anything. He was contacting me too frequently, given that I told him I needed space, and I finally told him that we just can't talk. We had planned to meet up for coffee or something when I am visiting back home, which will be in a monthish, and I'm not sure whether this is a good idea or not? I feel like it would be an opportunity to really say goodbye in person and give him some closure on the fact that it's really over, but would this really benefit us?

I made this mistake with some of my exes. I think it's nicer to say that they should move on instead of giving a maybe because you may end up like me and truly do move back. He kept that torch burning that entire time and thought we'd date again when I came back.

I'd avoid the coffee unless you truly do want to see him as friends.

Question three: Can you ever really be friends with someone who f*cked you over? We were best friends prior to dating, but he really, really, has done some bad stuff in my eyes. And I do think he's a good person who's made bad decisions, and I really wish we could be friends again, but right now, I just f*cking hate him and his weak constitution and lack of values. He cheated on me at the end of our relationship and got with one of my friends after we broke up, and there was a plethora of mistakes in between as well. Like I said, I wasn't perfect either, but I never did anything to him to like that. He has expressed a LOT of regret over these things, but I've finally realized that him being sorry will never mean that he's a different person from who he was when he did those things! Sometimes I think if I can forgive him as a person and just make peace with the fact that we will never work out as a couple, I would feel better, and I could forgive my friend and that girl as well, and then I would feel way better. But I'm really bitter and I just haven't gotten the courage to really forgive any of them.

Give it 5 years and decide. I am in different to my high school and early college exes now even though we did some horrible things to each other after we broke up. You do lose the hate after awhile. It's exhausting and it's a lot better to recall the happy memories than the hateful ones. Heck my ex jumped into a relationship that weekend with another girl and I managed to get him to cheat on her twice with me only to throw it back in his face. Kind of crappy of me, eh? Then we dated again after eight months.

Also, you'll eventually forgive them or not care. It may seem hard to believe, but work on focusing on yourself and not let them consume your thoughts. It's the best way to move past that stage.

Question four: I'm really starting to feel like I'm ready to date again and there's a few people that are potentially interested. I'm not ready to commit to a new boyfriend, of course, but I kind of feel like getting back out there a bit would help me. I'm weary of this because the last relationship I'm referring to was a bit of a rebound for both of us, I mean he swears it wasn't for him, but we had both gotten out of long relationships and it complicated things for me because I had feelings left over for an ex prior to him. I don't want this to happen again, and I really feel that I am a lot wiser about how to handle things this time around, but I guess I'm unsure of whether there's some amount of time that I need to wait anyway to ensure this won't happen? Is there really any amount of time that would make it okay, if I feel like I'll always love my ex to some extent?

The only way to know if you feel like you're ready is to try. It's okay to feel like you'll love your ex, but try to keep in mind that you may be idealizing the love.