[misunfortunate.]

Hi there.

I think it's really great that instead of waiting for the urges to creep up on you and knock you down, you're being proactive and seeking help. That's not something a lot of people would do, so it's definitely a very good sign and shows that you're willing to work at this and get better.

A year and a month is such a long time, and (even though I'm just a stranger behind a computer screen) I'm proud of you for it. Every time you beat the urge to self harm you get a little bit stronger, and it does get easier to say 'no' the next time they come knocking. In my experience it's totally normal to have fear for the future, especially when you want to move forward without falling back on old habits. I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but I'm going to try anyway.

The first thing I want you to remember is that change, although it can be scary, isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact a lot of times change is good. Without it we wouldn't have butterflies, seasons, or, you know, any fun at all. So keep that in mind as you move forward; and remember that even if something doesn't seem good at first, there's always a chance it will turn around - or, even better, you can turn it around yourself. Personally I find that when change is out of my control it makes me feel unsettled and more likely to turn to SH - but the important thing is to focus on the things that you can change and the things you have control over, and let the other things slide by. There's no sense worrying yourself about them if you can't change them, right?

You mentioned that you were strong enough to fight off the urges last year - and there's no reason for that to change. You are strong, you've shown that you want to change, and I don't see why you can't make that happen. It's entirely possible to live a life free from SH, and feel good about it, so don't let anything stand in your way. Maybe you could try some simple confidence boosting activities, like repeating a mantra to yourself every morning (such as 'I am strong and I can achieve anything') or running through a list of your accomplishments (to remind yourself that even if you feel weak or inadequate at this moment, it's far from the truth).

While having people to help is a good thing, it's not always practical - like you've already said. So it's important to find ways to deal with urges by yourself; not because you're alone, but because sometimes you need to stand on your own two feet to get stronger. The alternative list Dez linked you to is definitely worth looking at, and I would highly recommend it. As the users above me said, try to find what works for you, a way to release your emotions safely.

I hope this helps, and remember that you can do this. We're all here for you, and we have faith in you.

Good luck with everything, and take care!