[EssenceOfElixir]

This sort of covers a few things and I have to start somewhere so we'll go with the obvious first.
I'm trans, as is probably quite clear, and this is the first place where I've felt comfortable with actually having that information out on display. I do have people close to me that know but I wanted there to be a place where I could be completely open about it and not worry about who might find out so I guess this is kind of like coming out, in a sense. It feels that way anyway. I feel relatively safe putting this up on here and hopefully it'll make me more confident in the long run. So there's the first bit.

The second part sort of relates to the first, at least in terms of coming out. Like I said there are people I'm close to that know but there isn't anyone in my family that knows and I'm too scared to say anything about it since I have no idea what could happen and I can't rule out the possibility that I'll be kicked out of the house. So yeah, if anyone has any advice on how to handle it I would appreciate it. I mean, should I try just telling them or should I wait until I've moved out and maybe write my parents a letter or something? I don't really know what to do.

Okay, this is the bit that is weighing the most heavily on my mind. Even though I have several trusted friends who know about me being trans and even a friend who is also trans (he's FtM), I frequently get stuck in this bizarre quandary where I can't tell what gender I am since I try to identify as female but I've spent my entire life male. I've never been able to speak to anyone who has any experience of this kind of thing or who has any kind of extensive knowledge about the kinds of surgeries and operations that are related to MtF trans people. If anyone who reads this is in a similar situation or has any kind of knowledge that might be helpful I would very much like to talk you about it because I feel like the more I know the more I can come to terms with who I am and who I can some day be. Just a message or something would be greatly appreciated and I'm thankful for any help that can be given, of any kind.

Sorry for making this so long but now that it's off my chest I feel a bit lighter. Thank you for reading this, I'll sign it off now,
Esme V.