[i_like_black]

I wish you knew how terrible I already feel about the things I do. I wish you knew that when I do those things, it feels like there's no other option. I know you're disappointed in me and it's probably going to affect my future housing but I really was trying to be safe, and it's so hard. All the things that feel like they'll help are all the things people tell me I shouldn't be doing, or should be finding alternatives for, or using skills instead, and it's so hard. So, so hard. I wish you knew that I already felt bad, so that when you said your piece you'd realise I was already triggered, and that how you spoke to me triggered me worse. I know it's not your fault and I know I did something wrong, and I really am sorry, but I guess people won't believe it. And I feel like gradually I have less and less options, instead of more. Life is so stressful right now, I hope soon it will calm.

I'm sorry, I'm struggling to stay in recovery but relapse is so easy right now. I don't want to ask for respite because I've been there too often lately and I want to cope at home. The only problem with coping at home is that it seems in order to cope at home, I have to self-harm. I know it's problematic and I know you'll want me to do a couple of chains on Tuesday, it's weird. I'm not low, I was feeling okay, I was feeling calm, but I just got triggered so badly and I don't know. I fail at therapy, how will I ever succeed at life? My thoughts are running rings around me and although I'd love your input, I'm scared to ask, I'm scared to be vulnerable, I'm scared to be weak, I don't want people worrying, and most of all, I want to graduate P.E.T. I'm standing in the way of myself.