[Owl]

Thank you both for the detailed replies!

Terabithia, the main way I've managed to talk to my friend is through text, so I'm sort of employing that, its definitely easier. We haven't really talked much about it though since, I guess she's pretty busy! I might try writing stuff in a journal, then, it sounds helpful. I have a bit of a paranoia about someone else seeing it though, I feel weird enough about posting on here even though I know its really unlikely anyone I know would happen upon this and recognise that its me without a name and more details, but can't help but be paranoid about it. :/

As for how I feel about my boyfriend knowing, sometimes I don't feel like I can easily talk to him about things, he often seems a bit annoyed when I mention things that perhaps most people wouldn't be so upset by or would have gotten over long ago (e.g. my dog/horse). Don't get me wrong, he really is an amazing guy and has been a great boyfriend for two and a half years now, I think its just that he doesn't really understand how serious these things can seem to me. I haven't really tried to talk to him about such stuff since I mentioned the self harming to him, so maybe that will have given him a better understanding that I'm really struggling, I don't know. Mind, he was really great when I did tell him about the self harm, so I really think its just he didn't know how serious it was and I was complaining about stupid things, I guess? I guess I'm just still sort of put off talking to him in much detail about things that really get to me anyway.

I do keep in touch with my family, talk to them once or twice a week on the phone and visit once or twice a month. They always immediately give me the animal updates, haha. I feel pretty bad that my parents are stuck looking after my pets. I do have a lot there. I know that they agreed to me having them knowing I probably wouldn't be able to take them immediately when I left home, but its a lot of work for them, and they spend money on them even though they are struggling money-wise. I feel horrible about that enough, and recently they've been giving me more money on top of that just to pay my rent. But at the same time I'd hate to find somewhere else for them, as mostly they're animals that are generally not treated well (especially the cockatiels and budgies, usually confined to a cage for most of their life) and I can't do that to them. I'll take them as soon as I can, and when I did have enough money I was helping to pay for their expenses, but I haven't been able to recently. I feel so unfair on them, yet they don't complain. My boyfriend brought up recently that he feels its unfair that they are looking after my pets when they're struggling too, so its not just me thinking it. They insist its fine though, and I can't deal with sending my cockatiels/budgies to live with someone they won't be treated well with. Anyway, that was a pretty unnecessary tangent, but just another thing thats been getting me this way I guess.

While most of the time I don't want to be doing this to myself, when I really feel the need to do it I guess I don't see the problem in it somehow. It just seems like a way to make me feel better. Other options don't seem like there's much point, all I want to do is self harm. Not sure how to get over that obstacle, but it makes it hard for me to consider alternatives to self harm when its what I really want to do.

Thanks Dez!

Mahray, I might try the counselling service I know my uni has. Not sure how often they'd deal with issues like self harm though? I was also considering going through a GP and getting a referral to someone. Not sure if that would be very expensive though, with Medicare and Healthcare, as I really can't afford much right now at all.

I'll definitely have a look at e-couch, sounds like it might be helpful! Thanks for that!