[Owl]

Hi all.

This is just going to be a long ramble. I don't normally talk to people about this stuff so I'm just going to get it all out I guess.

For about a year and a half or a bit more, I've been self harming. It was only every now and then for the first year or so, but in the last 6 months its been pretty regular. It has never been really serious, I haven't had to go to hospital or whatnot. It has been worse in the last couple of months though.

I hadn't told anyone at all until about a month ago when I actually told my best friend by accident haha. I'd been toying with the idea of telling her for a long time and written text messages before deleting them. I accidentally clicked send instead of delete. Which I guess is a good thing. Thing is, I don't see her that much anymore, as she lives back where our high school is and I've moved to the city, so I only see her every couple of months and she's a bit busy to call/text too often. She was great and understanding though, she actually went through a stage of self harm briefly a few years ago but got through it, which is why I felt safest telling her. Haven't really talked about it since though, the one time we saw each other was with other friends, though she has texted asking how I am doing and such.

Anyway, I hadn't told my boyfriend until even more recently. We have lived together for 2 years, and I think part of the reason its been so minor is so I could hide it from him. I lied about my cuts, made up excuses. He never doubted me. But about 2 weeks ago, I had more than ever and I guess it was pretty suspicious, and he asked me straight up if I did them. I said yes. He took it pretty well, asked me to tell him if it gets that bad again and has encouraged me to seek professional help. We've barely talked about it since. I'm hopeless at talking about my problems with anyone, even him, and he hasn't pursued it. I have still been doing it, I'm not sure if he hasn't noticed or just hasn't brought it up. I told him the other night I didn't think I could stop and he said he really thinks I should see someone.

I really don't want to see someone. I don't really know why. I guess I don't like talking about my problems, I find it hard enough writing this up, I hate burdening other people and with this I feel like I could be judged, though I know its their job and they wouldn't do that...

I have been depressed and had insomnia for years and years, I guess that unhappiness is what led to this. No big problems in my life, just the normal stuff, relationship worries, uni stress. My mum is an alcoholic which was always hard, but I haven't lived with her since i've done this. I'm really close to my pets and I think my depression has been really bad since my dog died 5 years ago, I think about that way more than is healthy, as well as now my horse who died earlier this year in a really horrible way I witnessed. I really miss my pets that I can't have where I live so only see every few weeks when I visit home. I guess I have self esteem issues. That's about it. I should note that I haven't been diagnosed with depression or insomnia, haven't wanted to go to the doctors about it, so I don't know if its okay for me to say I have them, I'm pretty confident of it though.

Sometimes I don't feel like I want to stop. It makes me feel better. But at the same time I do want to stop, if that makes sense. I don't want to be covered in scars and have to hide my arms and legs and be scared of people finding out and being judged. I don't want it to be a problem for my boyfriend and friend as well. And I know its not healthy. I just think that whatever in me that doesn't want to stop is going to make it even harder for me to give up anyway.

Anyway, I've already written enough of a huge long post, so I'll stop finding more to add in to drag it out. Thanks if you've actually read all this. I've never told anyone a lot of this, or more than one little piece per person haha. I don't actually have any specific questions, I guess i just needed to let it all out and see if I can get any support or general advice, if anyone has managed to get through this whole post? Thanks so much for reading!