[mindflower]

I can't believe what you did tonight... after how perfect I felt yesterday? How hurt, because it wasn't enough for me, but how safe and happy I felt for once to be back with you at least for a bit? And tonight, I thought... you know I thought things would be great. But... what you did.... do you realize how bad that hurt.

I wish you'd just say it to my face. How you regret ever knowing me. How when you say "you want to just be friends, that's all you've ever wanted", how much that killed my heart, and how badly I just wish you'd say you hate me. You think I'm ugly, and awkward, and a bitch, and you've never wanted me in your life.

I felt like... wanted. Like maybe it wasn't all downhill from here. I was nervous, putting on a cute outfit and making sure my make-up looked perfect, hell I was shaking when I first saw you come out on stage and obviously I was nervous when I hugged you but really I just couldn't stand going this whole day without you... and then. Then this?

You have no right... no right to tell me not to fuck up. You have no right to get into my and Cody's business, you have no right to assume I'm fucking Pat just because Cody assumes it with his trust issues, which, you know, can make sense because as I've said before, I'm a whore, and you are all too stupid to leave me. I deserve to be alone. "I'm not an idiot, Tay" WELL FUCK YOU. You have no right to ask me why I'm walking alone with Pat, walking away with another guy in general. You have no right because sometimes, though rare, that guy is you and you can't stand there all tall and firm and say that I'm going to regret it. Because. Here's the difference between me and you. You get me alone. You use me, no feelings attached whatsoever. And then you regret it. Because I'm the worst piece of shit in your life. But if you get me alone, I fall for every last moment of it and cherish it like at any second I could fall dead, I let you use me because I have so many feelings attached there's no room for other guys... or regrets.... and eventually then I regret it. But here's why I let myself regret what happened: You make me see that I mean nothing to you. And I never have. Because you said it tonight. You've never wanted anything between us more than friends. If even that.

You have no right to tell me, "Oh, by the way, he's dating someone" If he is, he does an extremely shitty job showing it because maybe this is news to you but he asked me to come with him. He started talking to me first, he called me baby first, he wanted me first, he was probably lying through his teeth without a single little care and frankly what guy hasn't to me, Connor, You, I mean who knows how many girls Pat could have too. And yeah that hurts but why should I care when I love pain? Hey, my body is a piece of shit anyways, my life is worthless, I have no future, I don't care what they do to me, and I have Cody to fall back on in case I monumentally fuck my life up but truth is I do think I love him, in ways that I know I can't explain, but I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve my crap so maybe he should leave too. Leave like everyone else has. Leave like you did.

You have no right to get that mad at me, and to make me the bad guy, you fucking hypocrite. You're in love with a girl who likes women, and you refuse to see it. Meanwhile, other people fucking love you, no adore you, NO, would saw their arms off for you if you asked, and you are too damn blind to see it. But lets face it. You're blind with a lot of things, not just love. Do you have any idea what I go through every day and night? Do you realize I'm on two medications, I see a therapist once a week, I hallucinate, I cut myself and have nightmares, do you realize how suicidal I am every moment of every day, including right now? Maybe you wonder why I'm around and flirting with so many different guys but do you realize that I'm that insecure, that I offer up my sacred body to these guys just so I can feel wanted, and maybe a little liked? Do you see me at all? You say you want to be friends but how can you friend a monster like me? That's what I am right? A monster?

....I feel like I need to apologize for ever being in your life. I feel like I need to apologize for ever fucking up you so damn bad but worst of all, I'm just sorry that I can't be perfect for you like you are for me, something you don't have to regret for once, something...something that can fix you... fix me.... I can't believe how much this still hurts... frankly, you shouldn't have to clean up my mess, so leave. Okay. You don't want to be in my life, you definitely don't want me in yours, so leave.
..........


... Oh God....

Please just make it end