[Captain_jack]

My boyfriend and i met 5 years ago when we worked in the same shop, he was the manager, i was the saturday girl. He is 43 and i am 23. the ages difference has only ever concerned me in terms of what other people would think. up until now.

He is the only relationship I've EVER had. Obviously that it not the same for him, but he has said that he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me.
So we've been together coming up to 4 years and he has helped me an awful lot in that time. we have built a life together, now living in a house, we've even got 2 cats. He said himself that he knows that if he had asked me to marry him a year ago that i would have said yes - and i think that's probably true. But he has said from the beginning, pretty much, that he doesn't believe in marriage.

That was until the other day when we were in town shopping and i jokingly said lets go and look in that jewellery shop. He actually frigging agreed and was even asking me what kinds of rings i like. This has scared me a lot - because if he proposed now, i couldn't say yes.
I've been thinking a lot recently about whether i really want to spend the rest of my life with him, have kids with him. I think the answer is no. I feel like I've settled into a life in order to meet up with his age of 43 - and now i feel like i want to be my own age again and have the freedom and opportunities that comes with it. its like I've become a housewife already, with so many responsibilities, and i don't want that - not yet.

The biggest reason to stay with him is that i know that i am all he's got. He's got no family at all, and not any friends. I am his world. If he didn't have me, he would go back to living alone and watching tv and smoking pot all day to pass the time. That's what his life consisted of when we met. And being together has given him so much more to his life. I know that, im glad, i want him to be happy and have the good things he deserves.
But what am i gonna do about the fact that i don't think i want to 'use up' my life to give him that? I wish so much i could split myself in two and one of them could stay with him and be happy, and the other one could go off and have adventures and experience amazing new things. Am i being naive to think i couldn't do exciting things with him?

The other practical side of it is - how on earth would i cope on my own?
At the moment he and i live in a house with my sister. With the 3 of us all on pretty low wages, we can just afford to live there and pay rent/bills etc. If we split up i don't think ANY of use could afford to live somewhere alone. But that's what i want - to live alone for a while. to be totally free.
I currently have a car loan and a bank loan that i'm paying off - could i afford to live on my own and still keep paying these off? PLUS we have 2 cats! one of which i especially couldn't be without. would i be able to find somewhere to live and keep the cats?

there are so many reasons to just keep things how they are. But it just feels like they're not the right reasons. I should be with him because i am IN LOVE with him and don't ever want to be without him. but these days i don't think that is the case.
I am so worried that i am just not appreciating the good things that i've got. That if i ever decide to end things that i might never have it this good again and may regret it for the rest of my life.