Thanks Jen,
I spent the day with Sam yesterday and it was, in retrospect, lovely. We were supposed to be doing a parachute jump together and so we met up there yesterday morning and had to hang around to see if the weather was good enough to let us go up, but in the end it wasn't
but following this we had nothing better to do and i agreed to go with her for a walk around a lovely common area close to where she lives. So we had already spent all morning sitting chatting, then we went walking for a couple of hours. Sam is someone who does that a lot, whereas i don't think i ever have been for a walk just for the sake of it up until now, but I wanted to go with her.
so we did that - obviously talked a lot - between the few silences (which in my head sometimes felt awkward). She asked me about a lot of my inner thoughts and stuff, just in terms of my self confidence and how (not) easy i find it talking to people. I don't know whether she realises that its mostly HER that i have trouble talking to because of the way i feel about her.
I mentioned how i am one of those people who just remembers loads of stuff, from conversations etc and how its not fun at all to constantly be thinking about so many things that have happened. then i made a joke where I said that's why i like to DRINK (i don't drink a lot in all honesty but when i have a drink with her and the girls from work i tend to drink quite a lot, possibly because she is there and i want to be "free" with her). She then said, ahh yes she woudn't be drinking again, at all - like EVER. I think she was trying to imply that she knows she shouldn't get drunk around me? (referring to the two previously drunken occasions i talked about before) that's what i read into it. because she mentioned at another point that she's going camping soon and is looking forward to sitting around the fire drinking too much wine. So she didn't mean not drinking at ALL - i think she meant she knew that it was a bad idea to get drunk with me/us.
Also there was a point where she very much suggested that she was about to ask me a question (while we were talking about deep and meaningful thoughts etc) and then she kind of stopped talking, i asked her what she was about to ask me and then she said that maybe she wasn't very good at doing the "talking" thing either. So she never asked me what it was.
This OBVIOUSLY, with the way my mind works, has done my head in. What on earth was she gonna ask me? Does she realise how i feel? does she feel it too? Or was it something more soley related to me and my own self esteem issues. I think from the way she kind of backed out of it that it has got to be something to do with me and her. i think the way she looks at me sometimes its like we both know what's going on under the surface, but that its far too dangerous to say it.
After the walk i still said that i didn't have to go home yet (obviously just trying to spend more time with her, she MUST realise this is the case when i say that) so we went back to her place. well we had coffee, watch a bit of tv and obviously chatted a little bit more. I think the convo stayed mostly impersonal at this point. I think the fact that we were at her house felt like there was a lot more pressure to NOT get too "friendly" - where it potentially could have been easier to do so.
I left and went home a couple of hours later. After having spent all day with Sam. Now there were lots of points where i was just rambling to myself in my own head that i needed to try and relax and just talk to her like a normal friend. which im fairly pleased to say i think i managed to achieve a bit more after being alone together for so many hours in one day.
This is the point where i realise just HOW MUCH i analyse things. i could write on here for hours about all the thoughts that have gone round my head all through yesterday and since. Its not good for me because i believe if i think about it that i'll work it out and come up with an answer. But no matter how much i think about this stuff it never gets any easier and in fact im beginning to think i just make it worse because ive spent so much time thinking and gotten no where.
Im sorry for keep going on, by putting a thread on here im supposed to be looking for answers and suggestions i suppose. but im using it more like my own personal therapy just to tell it all to someone.