Thank you both for your replies. they mean a lot to me. They mean that I'm not going mad, that I'm not bad inside.
I think now that there are 2 things going on here.
1. I AM quite attracted to Sam. her personality, her lust for life, her strong will and self sacrificing dedication to others absolutely inspires me. I think she is a lot of things I want to be, and maybe that admiration has transcended into attraction.
2. I think I have become a little bit complacent and, to put it bluntly, bored with certain aspects of my current life. whether that be, working all week just to pay the rent and do weekly shopping, to the routine-ness of mine and my boyfriend's sex life. it all feels a little bit suffocating and like I have got myself stuck in middle-aged "housewife" mode at the age of 23.
I think that the latter reason, makes the idea of being with Sam all the more appealing, because it represents freedom and recklessness, when my life feels so full of responsibility right now.
All the more, I have spent the last few days daydreaming about leaving my boyfriend and living on my own, just living my life by my own rules. But I'm so scared that I'm just gonna throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me because I feel like being selfish and don't want responsibilities. What if I just don't realise what I've got until I've thrown it all away?
Anyway, I will take your advice and just let some time pass. Maybe this daydreaming will fade and I will start to realise how lucky I am again.
I think I could be Bi-curious, keep wanting to get drunk with Sam again and see what happens... It's wrong I know
its so hard I don't know whether I need to "follow my heart" or whether I'm just wanting to have my cake and eat it. By having the stable settled life I have now and also getting "thrills" elsewhere? Am I just fantasising?
I'm getting all bogged down in thoughts about it all again so I'm gonna leave it there.