[Rivière]

You certainly seem to have a lot of things going on for you at the moment and a lot of fears. I understand how embarrassing it can be to have a fear of something that's uncommon but I want to reassure you that you're not the only one with multiple fears and nor are you the only one who has a fear of some of the less common things. I suffer mottephobia, the fear of moths and butterflies. It's ok for everyone else who isn't afraid of the things we are but for us ourselves, these things can be truly terriying. Moths I'm not so bad with anymore but butterflies are horrible and as soon as one starts flapping near me or even if I see one close by, I start panicking inside and if one gets too close I'll either just scream or burst into tears because to me they're that terrifying, to anyone else, they won't understand yet they forget they too suffer a fear of something that you or I don't. With a lot of phobias, they're actually a repressed childhood memory. We might not remember how we came to have a fear of what we do but the cause of it is through something that happened as child and we interpret it to be something else. Your fear of toilets may not be that something actually happened to you with a toilet as a child but the toilet just so happened to be there which has become a phobia. A person I know who had a serious fear of flying in planes, his phobia came to be solely because as a child he fell out of a tall tree and he remembers that flying motion as he fell to the ground. Phobias, especially non-living ones, are actually easier to cure as phobias in general are curable. Although you may have to be exposed to the thing you fear, eventually you'll overcome it and you'll feel much better for it. If you're interested in getting over some of your fears, try speaking to your GP because they can really help you!

As for your fear of germs, although there are phobias of the germ type, the fear of getting germs can often be OCD-related because of sexual abuse in one form or another which manifests as a 'germ' feeling. As you've said you've been through rape, your fear of germs may have come from this experience. The best thing again to truly determine what fear is classed as a phobia and what is classed as something else is best determined by your GP.

Your social issues I can understand very well, in fact a lot of other people here at TeenHelp suffer the same and many have terrible social anxiety for one reason or another. Yours, because of your betrayal has caused you to not want to talk to other people for the fear of betrayal again and those feelings of getting hurt. In a way, think of this positively. Because of all those times you've been hurt by people who've betrayed you for one reason or another, it makes you less trusting towards other people and makes you much more cautious, this in turn will allow you to be able to get to know people more and in a certain way because you'll be able to see certain patters present in people you've just met and you can then compare them to people who've hurt you in the past which can help you to determine whether or not you feel you can place your trust in them.

Your sleeping problems, or insomnia, is often because our minds have racing thoughts or we just constantly think too much in general, our bodies may be tired but our mind just keeps on going and going. This may be another thing you may need to speak to your GP about because they can give you something to help relax your body and help you sleep better at night. There are ways of relaxing your mind and your body on your own such as controlling your breathing, clearing your mind and thinking of a place that you find relaxing, then as you think of it, continue controlling your breathing until you enter that state of calm, after, you'll soon slowly drift off to sleep because you're completely relaxed.

I know you've had counselling in the past and as you've said they've done nothing for you, but remember that each counsellor is different and have their own way of working through things. I've had 2 different counsellors and their methods of how they work are quite different from each other. You may need to find a different counsellor and one that works for you or even a different counselling service entirely. There are different types of counselling services, some are just general all round counselling services which provide an ear and then there's the more specific ones which focus on bereavement, sexual abuse, childhood neglect and so on, again it's finding the right one that's best for you.

Finally, in regards to medication, there are lots of different types of medication and not all medication works for everyone. Your GP will have to take sometime in trying to fin the right type of medication and at the correct dosage for you. There's so many differet types of anti-depressants out there and some of them are better for some people than for others. Some anti-depressants can also be a sedative, you take one at night and they help you get some sleep and then you'll wake up feeling more refreshed in the morning, other medication can have a lot of other side-effects which some people find unpleasant. This isn't to put you off considering them but I just want to explain the potential downside so you're not caught unaware in thinking they're going to be of great help without realising there are negatives to having them too.