[Captain_jack]

I'm female, I'm 23. I've been with my 43 year old boyfriend for nearly 4 years.

Yes the age difference is difficult and we have our issues am arguments sometimes, but he is the only person I've ever had a relationship with - and of course, I love him.

That's the bit of background I thought I would put in just for context.

I work with a 39 year old woman called 'sam'. I liked her since she started about a year ago. It became apparent very quick that we have a very similar (mostly dirty) sense of humour. Now I don't mean to sound judgmental but from sam's appearance, interest and general vibe - we guessed at work that she was probably gay. Another colleague of ours (Jen) is lesbian and asked her out.
Apparently they dated very briefly but Jen got very serious and clingy very early on and Sam ended it after 2 weeks.
The fallout from this is that Jen has been off work with 'depression' and 'work related anxiety for 6 of the last 12 months. Since she's been back at work, for those of us that know, it has felt pretty awkward to put it MILDLY.

Now there's a couple of us at work that would class ourselves as good friends (Sam, myself and two other women) so sometimes we go out for a drink together or round one another's for a party.

It has been on 2 of these such evenings that Sam and I have been the last two standing - you might say. The first time this happened we shared the bed in the spare room, yes we were both fairly drunk, and though nothing 'happened' we just held each other very close, slightly caressing, for ages until we fell asleep.

The second, more recent occasion, again we were the last two up. Music was playing quietly and we were dancing together very closely. Prior to this when our other friend was dancing with us - she had been playing about getting everyone to kiss. So we did all kiss/snog each other. We were all drunk and silly - but It was very nice.
Back to Sam and I slow dancing and staring into each others eyes. It was so lovely. I felt so warm inside. More amazing than I've felt in the last few years since my boyfriend and I got together.

Now once again, there is obviously this is sense that nothing could or would happen. Because
1. I'm with my boyfriend.
2. I'm straight, as far as I know.
3. It's a really bad idea to do anything with colleagues (as she recently experienced)

Sorry it's such a long post. I was 50/50 whether it should go in the relationship one.

The main point of my post, now that you have all the events, is that I think I may be in love with Sam. I think about her all the time. I want to go to work just so I can see her, I pay attention to every little thing she says, I have tried to become interested in some of the things that she is.
She makes me feel like I can be more and do more with my life than I realised up to now.
I really do think about her an awful lot. I want to message/text her when I think of her but I have to stop myself doing it too much because I know I'm thinking about her more than I should - more than just a friend.
It feels almost exactly like I first felt when I met my boyfriend. I was a nervous little teenager with a crush, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but felt so awkward and guarded whenever I was around him.
This is exactly how I am now, I'm so often stuttery and self concious when I'm around her. But I want her to pay me attention - I'm paying her attention every second I'm around her.

Oh I don't know what to think. Am I in love? do I just have a crush? Does it mean anything that she's female? Am I not gay? Just Bi-curious?

Since thinking about Sam all this time and wondering what it is like to be a lesbian, I have been looking at lesbian porn to masterbate to, and I've enjoyed it very much! When I watched one the other day which has a guy in it I've got to say I was a little bit disgusted - it made me recoil to see him getting his end away.
On that topic as well sex with my boyfriend feels a bit different - I have thought about Sam during. And I've found myself very much turned off by his 'bits' and the fact the sex with him (and in my head it seems like men in general) is all one sided and selfish on the mans part.

Wow so there's a good summary of all the different feelings going round my head at the moment. Confused = understatement!

Any and all opinions and comments would be appreciated. No one else in my life knows how I'm feeling about Sam and all of this. It feels like cheating. I always thought I was morally against cheating, but part of me is very selfishly just wanting to be with Sam, I think I love her 😓.