[millymop]

I just want to say before I post this that the reason I haven't been to seek help is because I don't want it to ruin my career prospects. I'm 18, I have dreams, I don't want them ruined by something that might be nothing.

So, recently I've been quite concerned about my own mental health. From the age of around 6, 2 years after my dad left, until probably 12 or 13, I struggled with Trichotillomania, a form of Impulsive Control Disorder which makes you pull out your own hair. During that time I also developed lots of habits such as over-blinking, clicking in my throat, biting my nails (which has unfortunately stuck), scratching my gums, and symmetry (touching the same object with both hands or feet). For a good 3 years toward the end of it, I had no eyebrows or eyelashes. I can't remember how I managed to make myself stop, but I seemed to just forget about it (or as I suspect, blocked the memories out once I'd stopped pulling). I still get very strong impulses from time to time but I seem to have more self control now, and can stop after about 3 or 4 eyelashes.

I've suspected for a few years that I might be suffering with depression, but as soon as I seriously consider getting help, I switch back to feeling fine again.
I haven't spoken to my mum about any of this, but she has commented that state of mind seems to be either overly optimistic or totally negative, and we never know what's coming next. When I'm up, I forget all about feeling down. I can go running and go out with my friends, and start making plans for great holidays or days out with my friends. But when I am down, I can't imagine ever feeling good again. I can spend hours in front of the tv, eating bad food and . I've also noticed that I have episodes of utter grief or panic over things that I should really laugh off, for example getting on the wrong bus, or a joking comment someone made about me. I find myself unable to stop crying, and get a really tight chest which makes me struggle to breathe. Are these Panic/Anxiety attacks?

For the last year or so I've tried to deny that I have a problem, purely because I thought people would laugh and say I'm being attention seeking, but that's the last thing I want about this. I just want to know what is happening to me and that I'm not just being paranoid.

The ultimate question is, should I get help? And if so, do I go to a Doctor or a therapist (taking into account I live in the UK. I'm not sure what the NHS covers and what I have to pay for). And, if it turns out I do have a mental health problem, will that affect my ability to go on and become a Midwife?

Thanks for reading. Milly <3