[Satine]

It's been difficult for you, I can hear that in the way you've written all of this. I'm sorry it has been, and continues to be, tough for you.

From your post, I think you have some lovely qualities, but I'm also hearing that the way things are right now is not working for you. So I'm going to make a few suggestions, but be aware that you are thoughtful, optimistic and rational, so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

You mentioned feeling shy, and I'm guessing you feel unwilling to approach others because of this. I think shyness is something to actively work on reducing and the way I suggest is to go ahead and talk to others. Perhaps someone at a shop when you buy groceries, perhaps a neighbour, anyone you see at least semi-regularly.

I'm guessing that sounds easier to say than to do, but keep the following in mind:

- People like to be acknowledged. Humans are social creatures and hate total isolation. We all have our own levels of hunger for recognition by other people but pretty much everybody's got some.
- Ultimately it doesn't matter whether that interaction is pleasant or unpleasant. The important thing for everyone is that other humans acknowledge their presence. I don't see you being unpleasant to anybody but this little fact is worth keeping in mind. Think of the couples you hear about sometimes who have blazing arguments but never split up. They're choosing unpleasant contact over isolation.
- There are three levels of pleasantness when contacting other people. You can be genuinely pleasant, you can be genuinely unpleasant or you can be fake-pleasant ("Hey, I like your coat! Did you get it from a thrift store?"). Again, I'm struggling to imagine you being fake-nice or genuinely nasty to others, but the world of socialisation you wantto enter can be broken down in this way. And some people really prefer to be unkind to others or to give fake pleasant comments.
- When two people first meet, they soon fall into a pattern of interaction. Say, if I was your neighbour and we'd fallen into a pattern of only saying hi to each other with a smile from each of us, then it's going to feel like quite a jolt to me if one day you start chatting to me about more in-depth stuff. It isn't easy to predict how your conversational partner (me in this hypothetical case) will respond to this, but expect anything from pleasure at the 'better' interaction to suspicion at what you're doing it for, to blind acceptance at what you are doing differently with our relationship.
- To expand on the above point, you might find it useful to know a good system of classification of interaction. The safest level, but the one with the least social reward, is withdrawal. You've got a lot of experience with this and you've said you feel it's unrewarding, but you may also find it feels safe. Nobody can hurt you when you're by yourself and no interacting with anybody. Then comes ritual. This is a very short, scripted kind of interaction like, "Hi!" "Hi, how are you?" "I'm fine thanks. And you?" "Yes, I'm okay." You and I both know how to say these little scripted parts, we say them without thinking a lot of the time, and they're only very slightly rewarding. But we all know how they go.
Then there is pasttiming. This is still quite meaningless in terms of how it contributes to the relationships between people but it does have it's uses. Pasttiming is the act of talking about everything and nothing: the weather, music, TV, school/college/work, fashion, you name it. It's the mode you mentioned not feeling very able to use very well. Pasttiming is useful because it does exactly what it says it does: it passes the time, and that is its appeal to so many people. It's also a good way of being recognised and acknowledged by another person for a longer period of time. Notice that pasttiming can be done in a spirit of listening to the other person talking a lot, or talking AT the other person and then convincing yourself you've interacted. You may notice some people are better listeners than others, and it is likely you will notice this most when people are pasttiming.
Next comes activities. If you and I had some school project to work on together then we could talk it over together to work out how we were going to approach it. We could do this and entirely avoid talking about our relationship. It's about as satisfying as pasttiming.
Next comes games. These are ulterior ways of getting what we need from our relationships with others. Say for instance I want you to reassure me that you will always be kind to me. My gamey way of achieving that might be to be clumsy and drop a plate. That gives you the chance to forgive me, so I feel you are kind. Games have to involve at least two people and each person gets somethin socially valuable out of the exchange. So you, in that situation where I dropped the plate, might be to confirm your own belief that you are nice (which is a very self-affirming belief). But beware of games, because there is always a negative payoff for them. I won't go into those unless you ask me to.
Finally there is intimacy. This is the most rewarding of human interactions but is also the highest-risk, because we risk being rejected or laughed at, as you were by your group of ex-friends. Many people only dare to be in intimacy with others for short periods at a time because of the intensity of it and the risk. For many people, they desire intimacy but play games instead, since games (as I said) are only ulterior ways of meeting our needs. Intimacy is the straightforward way of meeting those needs.
- I don't know for sure, but I'm going to hazard a guess from what you said in your post that you want intimacy and try for it in your relationships quite readily. But perhaps you don't like pasttiming much. If it's any comfort to you, neither do I. Pasttiming is, in fact, small talk, and it often feels inconsequential, especially when what you and I are really wanting is the powerful hit of intimacy. But remember that pasttiming has it's value and it's where a lo of people spend a lot of their time when in relationship with others.

I've written a lot here and I know I can be a bit technical sometimes. Please feel free to message me if anything I've said doesn't make sense or if you want more information.

I wouldn't expect you to learn, and use perfectly, everything I've written above. It can take a while to internalize and to do easily/semi-easily. Because of that, I hope it'll keep you busy for a while as you build you social life.

Remember that everyone has their own preferences for how to interact, and that includes you. Reflect on the above. Practise it, ask me more stuff. Give yourself time and space, forgive yourself and others when you feel it's safe and reasonable to do so. And reflect on what you learn; reflecting can be an amazing way of learning how to be more confident in socialising. Journal or blog about it if you choose to. Personally, I recommend it heartily.

Phew! Well, that's all I've got for now. I really hope the above helps, and again, message menif you want to talk about it more.