[nothereanymore]

How to Tell a Loved One of Your Self-Harm
By Kyra (Viridian)

Self-harm is often a private matter, regardless of the form, and letting someone in on something so personal is never easy. If you feel like you’re ready to tell someone, such as a friend, parent, or partner, but you’re not sure where to begin, you’re not alone. Many self-harmers are afraid of telling someone for fear of them ‘freaking out’ on them in the case of a parent, a breakup in the case of a partner, or abandonment if it’s a friend. Here are several steps one may consider taking to help make it easier on the self-harmer and the loved one in question.

The first step you may want to take is figuring out what you want to say. Once you've done that, the next step is deciding how you want to say it. If you are afraid to approach your loved one, writing a letter might be considerably easier than walking up and telling them you need to talk to them. In your letter, you can say whatever you are afraid to say, even that you are nervous or afraid to talk to them. A few pros to this choice is that you have more room to pick and choose what you want to say, and more time to think and prepare. If you do not wish to write a letter, pulling your loved one aside and saying, “I have something to talk to you about when you have a moment,” is as good a first step. Some pros to this option are that when you are speaking face-to-face, emotions can clearly be seen. It is sometimes hard to tell how a person is feeling through words on a paper, and by choosing to speak directly to the person, your emotions, facial expressions, and body language have less of a barrier between you and your loved one, and you have more control over them.

The second step is to remain calm. If you are panicking, you may not be able to say everything you want to say because you forgot it or you second guess yourself. If you are calm, the atmosphere is less tense, and the conversation may feel easier to begin and get through. If your loved one has become angry or upset, and the situation is starting to get heated, remaining calm will help ensure it doesn’t escalate any further. Remember, their reaction is not your fault.

If your loved one is a reason for your self-harm, you may want to point the finger at them. There are ways to tell them they have a part in it without laying direct blame. Constructive words such as, “I feel like [this] when you do [this],” or “When you say [this] to me, I feel [this],” are not seen as pointing fingers because it doesn’t sound like you’re saying the person intended to make you feel that way. It also allows you to take ownership of the way you feel. Expressions such as, “You make me feel [this],” “You do [this] to me,” may not be taken very well, as the person may feel accused and get defensive, which may make it harder for them to listen to you. Even if your loved one is not the reason, using constructive statements throughout your conversation may help it to run more smoothly.

Unfortunately, we cannot control anyone’s reactions to what we say. Your loved one may demand to see your self-injury if any is present or to have your tools if you have any. Many self-harmers are uncomfortable showing their self-harm, and may not want to part with what they use. In this case, you may want to discuss setting appropriate boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable with something that someone is asking of you, tell them. On the other hand, your loved one may not act this way. Many people are less judgmental than we might think, and instead will react with love and support. Most conversations do not turn out the way we fear they will. Regardless, they choose how they feel, and in no way are you responsible for how they react, positive or negative.

It is important that you say what you feel and be honest. It is much better to tell the truth than to tell a lie, no matter how hard it is. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re letting this person in on a very personal part of your life, and it is unreasonable to expect it to be easy. Breathe, stay calm, and be honest and constructive.

There are many steps you can take to tell a loved one of your self-harm, but these are some that may make it easier on yourself and your loved one. In many cases, it's important and may be helpful, but that does not mean it is easy. Remember, recovery is a process that should not be rushed, but instead, taken one day at a time.