[MsNobleEleanor]

Hey there Ash,

If you could change something within yourself what would you want to change?

You may know. You may not know.

I found it's to go deep inside yourself to find these weaknesses and/or strengths, but it can be exhausting and tiring to do so. I also think fears also prevent us from knowing what we should really do and shouldn't do, because change is scary. Changing our-self is challenging because we are so used to the way we think, do things, react and so many other things, so it's hard to change something we've been doing for years or even months. It's almost like a bad habit.

Instead of,

I will never do what I'm "supposed" to do.

Why don't you try to not be hard on yourself? It's hard and may seem unrealistic (it was for me!) but instead of focusing on is this what I'm suppose to do or be doing, just think about it, do what feels right to you. Now if you feel that what you're suppose to do isn't, could you ask someone for clarification?

Ash, you can do whatever you'd like to do; if that's changing yourself you are allowed to do this, it shouldn't be "I'm supposed to do," it's also what you feel what you are supposed to do or be. If that make sense.

Do you feel ready for counseling to stop or do you still need some more guidance? If you feel you still need counseling but not like once a week, or twice a month maybe once a month for a check in, would this be something you would want?

I also know that she would ask if I've had suicidal thoughts lately and would have to tell them as well. By law she has to tell them about the thoughts of suicide (if I'm correct). I can't let my parents find that out. I just can't.

Different counseling services have their own guidelines to this, but from all the counseling services I have been to, they all are similar around this question. There is a difference between, "I've been thinking about suicide recently but I wouldn't want to act on it," from someone saying, "I have suicidal thoughts and I have a plan," those two examples are great in this question. The first would alarm the counselor but since you shared your thoughts as well that you don't want to harm yourself they're more likely wont tell anyone, however if you told the counselor the second part regarding you have a plan, they will also be concerned and would need to inform the correct persons; like your parents.

If it's possible you could call them from a pay phone and inquire this question about it, where you can remain anonymous. Just explain you are wanting to understand some guidelines of confidentiality regarding those area's. Another suggestion could be to look on their web site.

What do you mean when you say you lie in counseling? Ash the counselor can't help you if you can't tell them what is bothering you. I know you fear that what you say to the counselor you're parents will find out. By law counselors can't release that information to anyone in less you are in danger of yourself or another or that you know someone is in danger and another reason is if a judge requests this information.

If you are feeling worse than before, would not telling your counselor you need some more help be a bad thing? You will end up back on a wait list (if there was one) for another counselor. If you explained you aren't feeling the best they can help you. Do you know if they offer any self-esteem groups, anxiety groups, how to cope, maybe just a fun group to go to? It may be helpful.

Please Take Care