[nothereanymore]

Eventually I'll get the hang of it all.

How to Tell a Loved One of Your Self-Harm
Kyra (Viridian)

Self-harm is often a private matter, regardless of the form. Letting someone in on something so personal is never easy. If you feel like you’re ready to tell someone, such as a friend, parent, or partner, but you’re not sure where to begin, you’re not alone. Many self-harmers are afraid of how to put it to someone for fear of them ‘freaking out’ on them in the case of a parent, a breakup in the case of a partner, or abandonment if it’s a friend. Here are several steps one may consider taking to help make it easier on the self-harmer and the loved one in question.
The first step you may want to take is writing a letter. If you are afraid to approach your loved one, writing a letter might be considerably easier than walking up and telling them you need to talk to them. In your letter, you can say whatever you are afraid to say, even that you are nervous or afraid to talk to them. If you do not wish to write a letter, pulling your loved one aside and saying, “I have something to talk to you about when you have a moment,” is as good a first step.
The second step is to remain calm. If you are panicking, you may not be able to say everything you want to say because you forgot it or you second guess yourself. If you are calm, the atmosphere is less tense, and the conversation may feel easier to begin and get through. If your loved one has become angry or upset, and the situation is starting to get heated, remaining calm will help ensure it doesn’t escalate any farther. Remember, their reaction is not your fault.
If your loved one is related to a reason for your self-harm, you may want to point the finger at them. There are ways to tell them they have a part in it without laying direct blame. Constructive words such as, “I feel like this when you do this,” or “When you say these things to me, I feel this,” are not seen as pointing fingers because it doesn’t sound like you’re saying the person intended to make you feel that way. Expressions such as, “You make me feel this,” “You do this to me,” may not be taken very well. Even if your loved one is not the reason, using constructive statements throughout your conversation may help it to run more smoothly.
Unfortunately, we cannot control anyone’s reactions to what we say. Your loved one may demand to see your self-injury if any is present or to have your tools if you have any. Many self-harmers are uncomfortable showing their self-harm, and may not want to part with what they use. Working with the person will make things easier, so it might not be a good idea to fight them if they ask to see your self-harm or what you’ve used. It is hard, and it is uncomfortable, but if you have recovery in mind (and even if you do not), it is what is best. No matter what, their reaction is not your fault.
It is important that you say what you feel and be honest. It is much easier to tell the truth than to tell a lie, no matter how hard it is. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re letting this person in on a very personal part of your life. It is unreasonable to expect it to be easy. Breathe, stay calm, and be honest and constructive. Working with what your loved one asks of you may be difficult, but if you would like your loved one to change the way they talk to you or the actions they take, you have the right to tell them so. Even though some people will not take learning of your self-harm so well and say hurtful things, it is absolutely not your fault. You are the one hurting, and you are the one in need. It is not their place to insult you or blame you and hurt you further. There are many steps you can take to tell a loved one of your self-harm, but these are helpful to make it easier on yourself and your loved one. It is the right thing to do, but that does not mean it is easy, and it is a step to recovery. Remember, recovery is a process that should not be rushed, but instead, taken one day at a time.