[Agony]

Thanks for the response!

I try to be happy, but still feel sad and depressed even while I am laughing, like I can't escape it.

I've sat down before and have tried to pinpoint what caused me to feel sad, but the only thing that comes to mind is the fact that I will never do what I'm "supposed" to do. I will never be the invincible person that I need to be. I get where you are coming from, but the thing that is causing me to be unhappy is inside of me, it is me. No matter how much I change, I'm never good enough. Never.

I'm afraid to ask because then she will ask questions; questions that I cannot answer honestly. For instance, she'd ask if I was cutting again and I would have to lie because I don't want my parents to know that I have relapsed. I also know that she would ask if I've had suicidal thoughts lately and would have to tell them as well. By law she has to tell them about the thoughts of suicide (if I'm correct). I can't let my parents find that out. I just can't.

I know I will be stopping counseling soon, I will continue lying; just like the old days. I hate this because I am worse than ever before. I feel like this is a war; I will either win or die trying. The bad thing is, I don't see myself winning.