[Agony]

Hi there guys, I need some advice/support, this is really bothering me.

Ok, so anytime I get really happy, I get really depressed. More depressed than I am when I'm not happy.

I think it's because when I am happy, I still feel my depression behind it. No matter how happy I get, I still feel the pull of sadness behind it. This makes me feel abnormal, crazy and alone. There is no reason for me to be depressed when I'm happy, but yet there it is. When I'm not happy it's almost ok to be depressed because I don't have a reason to be happy. It's almost like because I am not happy, it's fine for me to be sad about not being happy. Even if I feel neutral, I still find it ok to feel depressed.

I realized that after experiencing happiness, I get suicidal thoughts more frequently. I also feel completely hopeless, like no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be happy. This makes me just want to end my life and let the suffering stop. I feel like this now.

I had a fantastic day today, was at the mall for 7hrs with one of my best friends, we laughed, shopped and watched Wolverine. We had a great time. I'm going to a different mall tomorrow with that same friend and her twin sister, but I can't get excited about it because I'm depressed now.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being sad. I feel like I'm going to kill myself eventually, so why not do it now? But I also don't want to die. This is all confusing.

I feel like I'm all alone. I think I'm done with therapy and even if I'm not, I'll only be going once a month. I can't tell my counselor how I feel because then my parents will have to know and I just CAN'T tell them. I feel like I need to get over this on my own.

I don't know what I'm really looking for, just really anything. Tell me what y'all think or your opinion. Anything. Thanks in advance.