Hey so I finally broke up with my girlfriend that I was with for 2 years. We had been through a lot together including starting college (where we met) and we became good friends quickly and lived together in my room in residence (we both had our own rooms but we basically made hers just for storage lol). After we finished our programs there we applied to new programs at the college near my parents place so they allowed her to move into my room (it's a pretty big room so it worked lol). Basically I'm trying to say that by living together it honestly felt like we were together for 10 years not 2 and when things became sour for too long with us I ended it (which was 3 days ago).
It was really awkward because she was camping with her family and she got really mad at me and accusing me of not caring about her and that I didn't love her. She had been saying that for about a month and It was making it really hard for me to stay happy (I have depression and anxiety already as it is). I tried explaining to her for hours every few days that she accused me that I did love her more than anything but it never worked for long..I hadn't even done anything and I made sure to ask her if there was something she wasn't telling me and if there was something else wrong because I thought maybe it wasn't me that was the problem but possibly something else. When she was camping she had been away from me for a week and so she was accusing me way worse than any time before and I just simply asked "why are you with me if you think I don't care or love you?" She answered me with more accusing and bringing up random girls I had dated years ago and I didn't talk to because she'd get jealous and just getting mad at me for irrational reasons. That's when I told her I was done and she can come get her things when she comes back from camping.
The next few days before she came back from camping, she was telling me how her aunt was going to come into my room with her so she can help her pack and so that she doesn't have to talk to me because she didn't want to. I didn't understand what was wrong and she was making it sound like I had assaulted her or something when I had just had enough after a month of being told I didn't care about someone that I loved more than anything..I don't think that's a crime? So I told her her aunt won't be coming into my personal bedroom because its my parents house not an apartment and she was raging. I kept telling her i knew this was shitty but my idea of her comi back would be us both saying sorry and hugging and then I'd help pack and we'd say goodbye... Not her saying "I am NOT talking to you when I get there" and needing a bodyguard and making it seem so much worse..
I ended up packing all her stuff before she got back and putting it in the front hall so that they could just come in and just grab the stuff and go. When they came I told her ahead of time that I was staying upstairs because if she's going to say she isn't taking to me then I will have nothing to do with it. She came upstairs anyways after she packed the car and checked if I had missed everything and I made sure to go over to her and hug her like we used to but when she hugged back she did it for 2 secs and then stopped like I was a random person. She then checked the bathroom and asked "did you pack my shampoo?" And I said yes and then said that I would hug her properly this time because that moment would be what I last remember. We hugged again and this time after the hug I held her hips because I wanted to stare into her eyes and let her know that I loved her still and always will but
th we just don't work for each other. Instead when we stopped hugging and I held her hips she leaned awkwardly back while hanging her hands on my shoulders like she wanted to make sure I didn't try to kiss her?! So I never got to say what I wanted to and then she just started to walk down the stairs and she stopped, turned back at me with a fake smile like she was about to cry because this was the last time shed see me and then she was gone...
Now it's been a few days and I was fine for the first day but now I have been up since 5 every night crying at random times because everything reminds me of her. I lie in bed to sleep at 9pm because I have work early everyday (7am) but when I lie on my back I think of how every time I would lie on my back shed turn to me in bed and hold onto me and have her head laying on my chest because she liked falling asleep to my heartbeat. So I start balling and turn on my side but she would always turn towards me whenever I'd move when we were trying to sleep cause she knew that meant that I was being depressed by over thinking too much at night. She'd instantly make me feel better and now that she's not there Im just waiting to feel her hand rubbing my back or holding onto me or me holding onto her but it never happens cause she's gone, my brain is making me feel how people get phantom limbs and I can't take it..by the time I get to bed its 5am honestly every night and its not doing well for me
I've tried getting myself cheered up every day so badly by trying to get in touch with old friends or just doing stuff I like to do but I can never do things for long before crying or just feeling insanely depressed and lonely in general. As for friends I talked to an old friend that I used to date and it was awesome to talk to her about everything but I can't help but feel like I'm just getting pity from her. I try to say we should hang out and the usual "ya we should!" Happens which is just like a thought as opposed to actually hanging out soon.
I'm not the most outgoing guy so I tried to ask some friends to help me get out of the house and we can go do something and I tell them like honestly ask me to do anything with you I don't care I just need to get my mind off things. They never invite me to do anything and I feel like I have no good friends to talk to. I don't even tell people about her. I say I broke up with her and then I talk to them about different things and make sure to ask them stuff so that its not about me but I still feel like a loser trying so hard to talk.
I just wish I had that one friend that would run over to my house because they would know how I feel and tell me we have to go out! Instead I'm basically begging people to do things with me which is ridiculous! I have thought about killing myself a few times lately and I have years ago but I don't think I'd ever do it. It's the fact that I do think about it that ruins me because I feel so worthless that I'm that weak that I'd kill myself. A lot of people have way worse problems in life and here I am posting on a forum on an iPad writing a novel that probably no one will even read about how useless I am.
I have talked to a few people that I literally say "hey" on Facebook, they say "hi" and ask how I'm doing and I say I'm fine and then they say they saw the post I put on Facebook (it was just saying how it sucks that someone you loved for 2 years was out of your life the next day when the day before you were doing normal relationship things) and said they hoped I was okay. If they had seen the post then WHY didn't they text me or message me or just say hi even the 2 people that liked my post made me feel a lot better!! If I said on Facebook I was going to kill myself would they not say anything and then when I'm dead they just tell whoever "I saw his post, I hope he's okay" like ya I'm dead by then..
I'm sorry for how long this is I hope someone can bear reading it all and I just don't know what to do..I want to try getting out there but no one seems to care and I've never really gone out clubbing or to a party or anything because Its uncomfortable for me. I know I can handle it because I did handle parties in residence but that was when I knew everyone because it was a residence of 40 people so they did those corny introduction things and we all got to know each other quickly. Thanks in advance for even attempting at reading this..it's 3am now and I'll probably be up till I pass out at 5 :/